Daily Diary 101

Dear Mom,

Here I am waiting by my window for you to come home. I have done this too many times that I have lost count, and to be honest I don't want to know that number. Once again you have fucked up and here I am cleaning the mess ion which you have made. I shouldn't do it, I really shouldn't but here I am helping you out once again. How many times are you going to put me through this? I know I can leave and not help you, but you are my mom and I just can't. I can't just leave you out to be slaughtered by the people who want to see you fail. I doth care how many time someone has said that he has been there way more than I ever have. He has done more damage to you then I ever have done, and I cleaned up every mess that he and you both have created. I don't understand why you keep doing this, I understand that it is a sickness but it just seems like you do no twang to be helped at all. Because you keep doing this again and again and again and even when we confront you on how much it is hurting everyone around you and how much damage you are doing to your self...you don't seem to want to do anything to help, because you don't want the help. That may not be true, I don't know but it just seems like you don't want any help and it is so annoying and so heart wrenching not to see you want help. You are killing yourself. Is that what you want? To die? Because that is surely coming soon? Do you want to go to jail? Because you driving around drunk is getting fucking ridiculous! You are either going to be picked up by the cops, you are going to hurt another family by killing someone or you are going to kill yourself. This has gone on far to long and it has to end. I don't even want to come home anymore because of all this fucking shit you are pulling. You cannot keep asking Uncle Paul to come get me because you are too drunk to come get me. And during those times I needed you, my mother, not the drunk fuck you were during my time of need. How many more things can you ruin for me. It's so embarrassing, this is why I hate being home, and why I hate coming home. I don't want to have to deal with this shit, like I have done for years now. And to put icing on top of that cake you are ruining Kyle's school life! He does not deserve to go through what I did. Do not give him bad memories of you, I beg you. You can't keep doing this because you are either going to kill yourself, get yourself thrown in jail, have your visiting rights to Kyle torn away along with your home being taken or you are going to lose your entire family. I cannot keep doing this mom, I just can't. I am at my wits end, and all you and the rest of the family does to me is make me so stressed that my mind gets all fucked up and hazy again. I refuse to go back to how I was in high school. I will not go through that again and if that means cutting all of you off I will, I already hate coming back and it is very easy for me to go elsewhere. This family has been something crazy for me for years now, I haven't felt very family like at all with you guys for a long time now. I have felt like the actors at my school were my family, i felt like the Bobinski's were my family. My groups of non-blood related friends have been more family like then what you guys have provided me. Harsh but true, I do have moments where I see we could have had an awesome family life if dad wasn't so crazy and you weren't an alcoholic and Kyle wasn't this angry kid and I wasn't so fucked up in the head. There have been so many things that I wish I could have done in high school, hang out really ate with my friends, stay out past curfew, drink at parties and get into trouble with you and dad. But I couldn't do that instead I was out worrying about your, taking care of Kyle, trying to calm dad down from his rages, trying to find you in the middle of the night. I didn't have a normal childhood, you and your drinking fumed me out of that one. And dads mind games fucked my head up. Between you two I stood no chance, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know who to trust or where to go. You guys wore me down until I was nothing and all I had were my friends and my blog. That is why I never talked to you guys a lot! Thats why I got so attacked to my Fandoms and my books because they were something that I could latch onto, something that I could lose myself in, something that I could pretend I was apart of to not notice my reality. They brought new friends, new family members and people that I could pretend where always there for me. I don't know how to explain it but that was that. It is also why I want a tattoo of three ravens, one for each of the family members I lost. I feel like I have lost you guys, You to the bottle, dad to himself, and Kyle to the anger and shit welling up inside of him because of you both. I have tried so hard to change you guys, to help you all, I have tried to make things better for not only me but for everyone in this fucking family but it doesn't  work, none of it has worked. and I am running out of options here. I am ready to leave it all behind because I will not have you both dragging me down while I am trying to build my new life up. I need you in my life mom but if I have to I will cut you out of my life. I will always be there for Kyle but I will leave everyone else behind.

Daily Diary 100

The room is dimly lit, the only real light coming from the opening in the blinds. We lie in bed facing each other, staring at one another. Our legs tangled together; your arms wrapped around me to shelter me from the coldness of the room. The feel of your skin is like fire, igniting its way through my body. Your eyes taking in the features of my face, while my finger traces patterns on your cheek. I smile at you. I can feel my eyes squinting in a weird way, like they usually do. You smile back at me. Your nose crinkles up a little bit. We stay like that. In that moment nothing can touch us. We just are. We are vulnerable. We are just us...and in that moment I know how I feel about you. It swells in my chest, and the butterflies in my stomach start to go. My heart beats faster and my cheeks flush a bit darker. In that moment I am happy.

------------------------

This is one of my favorite memories. One that I will keep with me forever. It is what love felt like for me at that moment. A raw, pure emotion that I now fully realize. 

Daily Diary 99

Tell me if you ever cared.
Tell me if you have even thought about me since we parted.
Tell me if you think about things I once said.
Tell me if you think about things I once did.
Tell me if you see things that remind you of me.
Tell me if you think of things you want to tell me.
Tell me if you are hurt.
Tell me if you even loved me.

Daily Diary 98

I once heard this story about leaves, like the leaves on a tree. I don't exactly remember where I heard this from but it stuck in the back of my mind. "When a leaf passes in front of you, it means someone, somewhere is thinking about you." I like that thought, that someone, out in the world is thinking about you...and some how the planet is trying to tell you that you are being thought of.

Recently, each time a leaf passes by me, I like to think you are thinking about me. It probably isn't true, it could be someone else or no one at all. This could all false. It most likely is false but I like to hope that the story is somewhat true.

Daily Diary 97

There is something inherently beautiful about the words I love you. I know it is said all the time, and it is thrown around like leaves in the wind but those words are so raw to me. The words I love you...I know I throw them around sometimes but I don't say them to people without meaning it. To me there are different types of love. The love of a friend, the love of a family member, the love of something you do...all different kinds of love. "I love you" to me is something sacred...yes...and I do throw it around but when I say it to someone, face to face, in a serious situation... I mean it. I, in that moment, am vulnerable. I trust who ever that person is with my heart, my soul, and my feelings. They are the person I like to spend my days with. Someone I want to spend every moment with. They make me happy and its natural to be with them. Love is crazy...it makes you go mad.

Edwin Bodney - "When a Boy Tells You He Loves You"

I love this.

Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.

Daily Diary 95

There is his poem that I have fallen in love with, and recently that is all I can listen to. It doesn't necessarily apply to anything but then again it does.

As I stand on this street corner and watch these two roads meet i suddenly feel at peace

Maybe it's because at my feet lies the intersection of two distinct paths merging at a point of vulnerability

Maybe because it's a reminder of you and me, and the blissful bond we once shared

Without a care in the world, my arms wrapped around you to shelter you from the cold

Two souls kept warm by each others company

Two hearts dancing in the rain playfully

Two minds with the same thing in mind, you want me to be yours and i want you to me mine

I don't know maybe i'm crazy

Maybe time has finally out played me

Maybe i've stopped seeing beauty in the little things

Maybe i've stopped appreciating the gift life brings

Maybe i'm in over my head,

Or maybe i just miss the familiar contours of your body under the chalk white sheets of my bed

I don’t know, maybe this is normal

Maybe i stopped being myself after you left,

Maybe this is all a test

Maybe i failed and i couldn't clean up the mess

Maybe that's why the rain suddenly feels colder on my skin

Maybe that's why whenever i try to apologize i don’t know where to begin or where to end all these things that i typed up in my mind and i wanna tell you but i just can't bring myself to hit "send".

Maybe i fucked up and i won't admit it

Maybe i'm a coward

Seems like i've got all the time in the world maybe i should do something about it

I mean, every minute feels like an hour

Maybe i'm a fool for distancing myself from you

Maybe that’s why i couldn't admit i loved you

Because for some reason i couldn't accept that maybe,

just maybe,

You might have loved me too.

I know we aren’t together anymore. I feel like people don't realize what they had until it is gone. You became such a constant in my life, someone that I would go to for anything that was bothering me. Someone I would go to for anything that made me happy. You were the person I first thought about in the morning and the last person I thought about at night. You are the person who consumes my thoughts. I see things now and I think of you, because everything reminds me of you. I want to share every bit of my day with you and I want to tell you about the weird thing I did. I want to tell you all about the embarrassing moments. I want to tell you the stupid things I said. I want to share everything with you but I can't. I can't do that anymore because we aren't together. You might be thinking, but we’re friends. That's the thing though...I don't think I can be friends with you. I love you too much, which might seem crazy but you made me fall for you fast. I can't look at you as a friend without wanting you. And gosh I want to be friends with you but I don't want to become annoying to you. I don't want you to think that I am crazy for texting you so often. I don't want you to think that I’m still in the mindset that we are still dating, because I know we aren't...but I still want there to be an us. But you don't want that. I don't think you will ever want that again. And I don't know if you stopped feeling the way I feel for you, but I hope not. But the probability of that is so slim...and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel so bad that you have to tiptoe around my feelings. I am just so confused. I don't understand how things can go from one place to now. How can you go from loving someone to not wanting to be with them. Was any of this real?

Daily Diary 94

I didn't realize how important you became to me... It's like a snowstorm, where you see the flakes falling but you don't really realize how much is on the ground until it too late. It is just a blanket of white. All the little things add up and become precious memories. But one day the sun comes out and they all melt away.

Jeez how morbid. lol...

Daily Diary 93

I feel like I am questioning everything now. Did you really like me? Did I mean anything to you? Did you really love me? Was it something I made up in my head? Did you just feel bad for me? Was it something you did just for the time you were here? Did you move on already? Does this even hurt for you? Do you feel any of this pain? Are you okay? Why? Maybe I was just so stupid that I miss read everything, and had this big expectation about us. Maybe I was stupid and didn't realize that you didn't really want this. And because of that I now feel numb...heartbroken. Why would you tell me that you love me if you don't mean it? Don't tell me something like that because I'll do something stupid like believe it. I fell in love with you, I fell hard and now I have to pick up the pieces. And the crazy thing is that I still love you! I want to be angry with you and upset and I want to hate you but I just can't. I can't get mad at you. I can't hate you. And I am beating myself up over the fact that I still miss you and that all I want right now is you, but I can't have you because you're not mine. I'm just sad. And just because we are not together doesn't mean I won't love you. God you were...ugh I don't know. I just don't even know how to really put my thoughts into words right now. But thank you for loving me and giving me the we had together.

Daily Diary 92

I fucked up and I hate myself for it. I don't even really know what happened during that talk. But I think its clear that you don't feel the same way I do. I knew it would happen but I didn't take the warning because I want to be with you. I just don't know anymore I wish that...idk.

Daily Diary 91

I don't really know how to approach this, but it is just something else that has been bothering me for a while. It really shouldn't but it kind of does and I really hate that it does. I hate even trying to type it but I know that it will make me feel a little bit better to put it out there. I hate feeling like I have to compete with them. I know I don't have to but I feel like I always am. I feel like you are always with them, always texting them and god I sound like some psycho but I am not trying to. I tried so hard to stop my self form thinking that way but I just feel like I am second to them. I don't drink, I get super moody all the time, I am not smart what so ever, I like super weird things. I feel like they judge me on how I act and what I do. I am probably just paranoid but...I don't know...I just feel like you don't want to be around me or text me as much as you want to be around them..? I don't know I'm just crazy, I think I have finally realized that...I wish I was actually crazy. Not really but sometimes I do. I just, sometimes wish I didn't have to feel like that, I wish I didn't feel like that at all. Because I realize that they are your friends and I whole heartedly support that I just feel like 98 percent of the time I am just not included. I don't know what I'm typing anymore. Sorry.

Daily Diary 90

I am fucked up. I have just now realized the extent of what my mother has done to me...I am broken. I feel so cut off from the people I care about most. I feel like I am in a whole different world, outed by the small matter of alcohol. God I don't even know what I really want to say. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just didn't, I didn't feel closer on the subject. My best friend, my boyfriend...I feel so distant from them in this way. They have both drank before and I haven't. I want to try drinking, but I am scared about becoming my mother. I am also stubborn as hell and I don't want to just for the fact that I want to prove to people that I am true to my word. The words that I have lived by for so many years now. I don't want to drink, but I feel so...not in the loop and its honestly driving me crazy. I know this seems like I am trying to fit in but it isn't that. Well maybe it is, I don't know but I just...I just don't know. I feel like banging my head against a wall until I have figured it out. I am so angry and annoyed and I don't know. I can't keep getting angry just because someone I love drinks. And this is where I think the physiological effect of what my mother has had on me comes in. Not only and I freaked out about becoming like her, I can't stand the people I love doing something so stupid. Even though they probably won't abuse it. I just...I don't know...my mom explained it to me today that I just want to protect them but I don't know if thats really what I want to do. I think on some level that is true but I think its also the fact that I want to drag them over to where I am. Someone who is too stubborn to try it, to angry, to damn scared to even explore. I want them to be with me where they don't drink. But that won't happen. I can't keep getting angry with people just because they make those choices. I can't keep feeling uncomfortable when someone talks about drinking or being around someone when they are. I just feel so out of place, like I am so far away from everyone. I want to be able to be around them, enjoy a moment, be a normal college student who drinks before they are supposed to. That might just be a fantasy of mine that I concocted in my head but god. I don't know what to think, I feel like my head is so screwed up that I keep having this battle within my self over this issue.

I don't want to be my mom, I don't want to abuse it, I don't even like it but then I think well you have never really tried it. But then I think again well you hate the smell of a lot of different alcohol so why would you like it. My mom suggested something to try and I don't know I guess it sounds okay, and I told her we could try it, not that she would be the one to drink. She would buy it for me to try in the safety of my own home. But is that what I want. I am just so conflicted and angry and I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be upset with people I care about because of something so stupid. This is why I think I need help. Like professional mental help because I feel so messed up...so out there that I get angry with people just because they chose to do something they like. I have no right and ugh this is a point where I just want to go to sleep and just not wake up until all my problems are solved. Sounds morbid but what can I say.

I am having a really hard time with this and I wish I wasn't.

Daily Diary 89

Recently I just feel like we are drifting apart, when we used to be so close. I don't want to break up with you....but is that what you want? and don't just be nice to me because you feel bad. It would be worse if you did that. I want you to be honest with me. I can't take this constant upset, because thats not what this should be like between us. I know we need to talk and I know when I say that nothing comes out of my mouth but its because Im nervous and I don't always know what to say and sometimes my thoughts get so mixed up in my head. I want to be with you so badly but I feel like maybe thats not exactly what you want anymore? I don't know. I just hate crying and God I am crying because I am afraid of losing you. So its not really a bad thing...

I'm sorry I am making this a mess, I am just trying to figure all of this out as well. I want to be with you when you go away, but I can kind of see where you are coming from. We should see how we fair with us being so far apart, but is that enough for us to break up? What about a break, isn't that totally different than a break up? A break up is totally different in my mind. It is where two people are not together and they can be together with other people, where as a break in my mind is where a couple evaluates their relationship? I don't know. It just makes me think, unwillingly, that you want to see other people while you are away. And if thats the case maybe, we shouldn't be together. As hard as that is to say (here comes the tears). I don't want to be second choice, I want to be your first and only choice. And if I am not that then, I don't know. You're making me crazy and love is supposed to do that...I love you...

Im a horrible person. Im just like my parents as hard as I have tried to not let that happen I feel like it has. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im fucked up. I love you. 

Daily Diary 88

I don't know what to write. Im kind of just numb right now, like I have this hole where my heart should be. And its hot...because I am under the damn comforter. I don't know why I am so fucking emotional over this but I am I just....I don't know. I agree we should see how it works out but god we are going to break up? Not to sound like a bitch but then great we can do what ever we want because we aren't together but we can still talk great. Just what I want to do, break up but still be in love with you. I don't know maybe I am just not understanding this whole thing because that just seems so stupid, no offense. So I have to wait for the impending day where we go our separate ways just to see if long distance will work. Okay grand, so while you go off to some amazing place, and I will be here worrying about you, wondering wether or not I'll be okay. I sound selfish. Maybe I am selfish. I just fell in love with you, I am in love with you...If we were in love then we would try our hardest to make it work right? I don't know anymore. What are we doing. A break would be better than breaking up. On a break its like there are boundaries where each person doesn't try to date another person, and there still together but they aren't. Breaking up just makes it like its officially done, I knew this day would probably come and I was hopping it wouldn't knvwjfoidojoifobejvof2bevoihjboijgrf 

fuck.

Daily Diary 87

I haven't posted anything in a while...I guess because I haven't really had anything to say. I still don't think I have anything to say. Well that's a lie, I always have something to say. Where to start...? I guess with family drama first. My mums drinking again, I shouldn't be shocked honestly...because I knew it was going to happen again. I just can't fathom why she is doing this...well she can't help it, I know but it just gets frustrating after a while. It is just all of this pain and sadness that wells up inside me and makes me feel so depressed and angry and I hate it. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. I'm too emotional I think. I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken...Maybe I just have some major problems. I know I do but I don't know how to handle them. I just wish my mother would get a grip on her life and take back what is rightfully hers because I hate watching her fall deeper and deeper into the earth. 

My other issue is my wonderful boyfriend...well it isn't really an issue its just some things are kind of bothering me and before you ask...yes I will be talking about all of this stuff with him. Because I like to think we have an open and honest relationship. Now, where to start? Well I am kind of annoyed that I am ALWAYS the one to start a text conversation...and I know that shouldn't bother me but it does. But I know how crazy and insecure that makes me sound so I almost don't want to bring it up to him, but the fact is I feel like he is always texting his two other friends (this statement makes sense to me because well I'm the writer but to the right people they would know who I am talking about). I don't even need a long conversation just "Hey! How are you doing? I am a bit busy today so I can't really talk" or not even that just a simple " I hope your day is going well." 

The second thing that is sort of bothering me and I am pretty sure this is me just being paranoid but I feel like all I am good for is sexual things, because I feel like that is all we do any more. Although that is not the case it just feels like it is. And another thing, why would you hang out with your ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still into you and who you don't like to text because she's obsessive. Not only that why would you give me the choice to decide if I am okay with that or not. Obviously not...and it is not that I don't trust you! I don't trust her...and plus after what her friends said about me, and I am sure she joined in...because lets face it girls usually agree with what there friends are saying when it comes to something they don't like and when they are trying to make themselves feel better. I would know! I am a girl. On top of that I feel like you are upset with me...over what I am not completely sure...I don't even know if you are upset with me I just feel like you are.

And that is the last thing I want is you upset with me because all I want to do is make you happy...but I also want to be happy and yes I am my happiest when you are happy but it should work both ways. And if what you said to me was true and you really love me then that statement should be a main goal in our relationship...we should want to make each other happy. And it is because of that and the movie This Means War that I finally realized that I do love you. "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl." And its true I love who I am when I am with you, and I strive to be a better person. I always want to make you happy. I always want to talk to you and share moments with you. I want to hold your hand, comb my fingers through your hair and feel your body next to mine. I love to watch you talk about something you love and I love to watch you debate/argue things for forever. I love how you get that goofy smile on your face and when your nose scrunches up when I give you a weird look. I love when you look at me and I look at you and we just take each other in...I love you. 

Daily Diary 86

The suns rays come through the window, lighting up the tree outside and creating shadows on the wall. I can't really think about anything at the moment. My heads a little numb. If our talk was fine, then why do I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I feel like everything is not fine. I guess thats why I'm crying right now...I don't know...I hate feeling like this.

Daily Diary 85

He told me he loves me. Did I imagine that? Or did I really hear that. I didn't say anything...I honestly didn't know how to reply. I don't know what love is and if I'm feeling that. I know that I really really like him. I'm absolutely taken by him, and I can see us being together for a long time. But now I think I might have upset him. I don't know he's become distant with me. Although it is my fault I pressured him into saying it. I didn't think the secret thing he had to say would be that. I'm just confused and conflicted.

Daily Diary 84

When I was younger my history class used to write letters to deployed soldiers. I loved the idea of a long hand written letter and I love/support my military. I recently found the old letters from the man I used to write. I treasure them to this day because I never had done something like that before and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I should continue doing that. Writing letters to deployed troops but thats a story for another day. Today I have come to vent about whether or not I should try to send a message to this soldier. I am pretty sure I have found his Facebook profile ( I know creepy) but I would like to see how he is doing and if he remembers the little sixth grade me. I don't even know for sure if that is him but it could be worth a try. But it also borderlines creepy, right? I don't know I just feel like maybe this might be a bit too were to do. Like who really does this? Well me, because I am weird and borderline crazy but thats besides the point. I don't know what to do. I have tried contacting him once before but I never went through with it because well I thought it might be creepy then too. I don't know, I guess I will ask around and see what I should do. Hopefully no one will judge me too hard. Until next time.

xoxo

Daily Diary 83

I feel like my life has been moving at a faster pace then usual. It's not a bad thing but I feel like everything is just passing me by so quickly and I'm running out of time to spend with you. Every moment that I spend with you, I like you more and more. I like how your eyes light up when you talk about something that you love. I like it when you laugh. I like it when you smile. I like the way you make me feel when we are together. We haven't know each other long and i think thats crazy because I feel like I have known you for so long. Maybe its just the hopeless romantic in me but you drive me crazy but you make me feel like I'm at my best. You make me feel beautiful. This might sound so stupid and cliche but its true. I used to think that this only happened in books but since I met you I've noticed things like this actually happen. I am so glad that I met you.

Daily Diary 82

Today has been really hectic. First with my love life, then with just my life...does that make sense? I don't know but I have no idea what I am doing at the moment. My head is all kinds of fucked right now. What do you do when the person you like so much gets angry at you when they should be happy  instead? What do you do in that instant? Nothing...something...I don't know. I feel angry but at the same time I want to go to him and tell him that it wasn't okay but that I forgive him. I feel like thats wrong...I should be angry and I am but Im not at the same time. I don't know how to really feel. I just feel really stressed out and it is not okay.

I typed out a lot of responses to you, and deleted them all. I don't know how to respond to your text. I want to be angry and yell at you. I want to text you and tell you that its not exactly okay but I need you right now. I want to text you to come hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that I shouldn't cry right now because thats what I feel like doing. I just want you but right now you are being a total jerk. And right I refuse to text you anything. I want you to know that I am very upset with you and that you have to come to me for once and tell me that you are sorry. I also want you to know that our relationship is worth trying, because it is so simple. If you like me and I like you what more do you need in order to ask me out on a date. Why hesitate and waste all the precious moments we could have together? Do you really not want to be with me? Do you just want to reap the benefits of being with me but not fully committed? So what you are going away in a few months, we could try long distance and not only that wouldn't you want to be with me for the couple months before you go? Or do you not want to be held down when you go away? I don't know what to believe or think anymore. I am so confused and I honestly cannot keep doing this, so for both of our sakes make up your mind and figure it out...please.

Daily Diary 81

I want a guy who is straight forward about what he wants. I want a guy who is going to watch cheesy romance movies with me, even if they are horrible. I want a guy who is going to play with my hair, take naps with me, and do work with me. I want a guy who is going to be a total goof ball but still can be totally serious. I want a guy who is willing to go out dancing with me, the old fashion kind. I want a guy who will kiss me passionately in the rain (to be cliche, because I love that) and serious in the bedroom.  I want a guy who knows if he wants to be with me and not just beat around the bush...I am not always going to be around until you are ready to take me out.

Daily Diary 80

So I still haven't DTR'ed I know its bad but I just haven't done it yet. It needs to be done asap and I hope it will end well. Today though has been very stressful. I have to get a work study job and that kind of frightens me because I don't know what I can do or even how I am going to do it. I also still have to worry about my passport and the application for my study abroad. It is honestly stressing me out, but I have felt with much worse than this so I know I can handle it. Just one step at a time...

Daily Diary 79

Well today has been interesting I guess you could say. My dog is going to the hospital and the guy I like is being weird. Well he's not being weird he just thinks I like this other guy who happens to be friends with him and ugh its the whole Rorry/Justin thing all over again. And I don't know what to do about it. Nor do I know how to bring it back up after our first talk got cut off (for a comedian no less...just saying) I don't know I just feel like crying and it's really annoying me and I don't know anymore and ihufgiwjbksdaweoifhugefwbjkdnaiofhgrwhujnkf. I am so bad at expressing myself. Okay lies but I don't know how to do it now. I don't really do well with this sort of thing. Not only that I okay I honestly don't know where I am going with this post. Ranting and venting at the same time and I am not making sense at all lol. I do have a lot of male friends and yes some of them have liked me but I can't do anything about that and no you don't have to compete with any of them because I like you. Why is it that guys get like this well okay back track I get like this but hugrowijsbkvdznclfhw okay wow breath Dawn breath...I really want to meet Stevie Nicks. Random but I honestly do like it is such a dream.

Daily Diary 78

 Okay so wow a lot has happened within a day so far like oh my goodness! So that guy I have been talking about, yeah he kissed me ;) haha like a couple time. It was crazy! Of course I had to make a fool of my self because thats like my first real deal kiss! Like whoa haha i had no idea what I was doing but he certainly had an idea what he was doing and I just couldn't really keep up lol It is actually kind of scary you know? Its new and uncharted waters for me and I don't know how to react lol. Naturally I googled it! And I looked up how to kiss on youtube and well I guess its better than nothing lol! Not only that he spent the night in my dorm room. Like that was crazy in itself haha! I can't believe that happened haha I like him a lot. I just don't really know how to act around him, without making a fool out of myself. I do that quiet often you see...lol I guess I will just have to go with the flow and wing it because Rom-Coms don't prepare you for this. Until next time!
xoxo

Daily Diary 77

Well today has been pretty boring. I haven't really done anything today which has been nice but at the same time not as great as I wish it was. I got to take a nap and I also got most of my homework done so thats good. But the down side is that it is freezing in my dorm and outside and its positively gloomy outside which makes me want to cuddle with someone...more like a certain someone. Although I still don't know if he is into me or not...I should say something to him but what? What could I say to him that won't sound weird. I wish there was a handbook on what to do and what to say in these situations. I usually jet google it, just like I do with every problem but everything that comes up won't help me. Such a disappointment but oh well, lol. Anyway I don't have anything else to say so bye.
xoxo

Daily Diary 76

Hello again, it is super late but I felt the urge to write something really quick. It is more like I need to sort something out and writing it seemed like a good thing to do. Lol. So this guy I have been talking about I think he likes me or is at least in to me but I don't know how to tell him that I am into him and on top of that I am afraid that he isn't into me. Did that make sense? No? Okay because it didn't make much sense to me either. Ugh I don't know what to do. I know I should tell him about the feelings that are there but I don't know how to. How do you lay your feelings all on the line? Its hard! I don't know what to say or what to do in this situation. I just know that I like him. He makes me smile and laugh and I get those stupid butterflies in my stomach. I can't think when Im around him but at the same time I can just be myself and not have to worry about being judged by him. I feel completely comfortable around him. But the pressing factor in this whole problem is what if he doesn't like me back? What if after I tell him he wont talk to me that much anymore? Maybe I am just over reacting and making a big deal out of nothing but I am kind of scared to tell him. This post isn't really helping much but it is allowing me to get my feeling out there and put my worries on the line. Anyway until next time.
xoxo

Daily Diary 75

I haven't written in a long while and I am kind of sorry but not sorry for that. I tried a different blogging website and that totally sucked so I went back to the complex ways of Blogger. I mean it's not like anyone reads my posts anyway but I like to post stuff up here.
So I started college! Which is great, I love my school and my friends. Although there is one girl who I am not too keen on, which is a shame but I do have my reasons I swear! She is just too...whats the word...possessive. I don't think thats the right word I am looking for but to some degree it is. She is possessive of conversations, if that makes any sense. I feel like I can't even speak while I am around. It's speak when spoken to and not anything else. That is not how I want to be treated by my friends. Plus that, and as horrible as this sounds, I think she is into the same guy I am. And not saying that is why I stopped being her friend but it certainly doesn't help the situation when I am trying to talk to him (the guy I like and also the same guy she is interested in) and I can't speak because she butts me out of the conversation. She also has to push her way in between us all the time, so in the end I kind of just stopped talking with her and hanging out with her. I guess that was pretty rotten of me but I mean common! No one wants to be treated like that! No one! Also in the friend department I had a super clingy friend who would not for the life of anything let me out of her sights. It got super annoying really fast. She would not leave me alone, it was like she was obsessed with me. She called me more times than my mother does in a day (which is a lot considering she calls all of the time) and she kept, literally, latching onto me. She would curl around my body when we would arch a movie with friends and she would always be on top of me "cuddling." Ew no, like please don't touch me unless I say you can. It got really bad to a point where she would also just walk into my room and not let me do homework and would not let me get anything done. Finally it has calmed down after a bit of a fight, starting on her end.

Another friend of mine is quickly becoming a really great friend of mine. We get along really well and we have a lot in common. We say the same thing at the same time often which is really funny and cool at the same time and we both obsess over guys. Well not over like college boys (although we do that on the occasion) I mean like movie stars and stuff, haha but really she has made college a lot easier. My roommate too has become a close friend of mine and we get along really great! She has finally start dot come out of her shell which I am so glad for because in my opinion her parents have kept her on a sort of tight leash and now she can finally have some fun out in the real world! lol

And now to the romance in my life...not that it's a lot but there is, finally, something! So the guy I mentioned earlier, a few paragraphs up, is amazing. He and I have so much in common but also like different things (which keeps it interesting) and ugourwudsbhfgiusfghj. Okay anyway haha, he likes anime and actual good music and he is smart and likes to play video games and is super nice and likes Spiderman (aka my boyfriend, lol one of many I should say...because I have a lot of fictional boyfriends and husbands lol) and he is literally just efbigeruhwiohsuifdbjs. Okay I will stop with the letter thing but really I have come to like this guy. If he ever reads this or any of my friends for that matter they will know instantly who writes on this blog and who all of this is about...so awkward. lol. Anyway I don't know if he is into me or not because well I suck at seeing things that are right in front of my face lol. My friends say that he is but I can't help but doubt it, you know? Plus I don't want to tell him that I am into him because I don't want it to be awkward between him and I. I guess I am going to have to figure out what I am going to do because I should probably tell him soon so if he is interested he doesn't think that I friend zoned him but if he doesn't like me I won't get more feelings for him. And like we just met so its not like I am head over heels but I do like him...so yeah lol.

I think that is really it for now...I don't have anything else to really say so bye! :)

xoxo

Daily Diary 74

Hello everyone, or well who ever reads this blog which could be anyone or no one! Anyway exciting news, I have finally graduated high School! How exciting! I am super stoked to be going away for college. In which I will be majoring in history! I just got my room mate assignment and it kind of put everything into persecutive! I am literally growing up and going to college. I am leaving my old life behind and beginning again! This couldn't be more exciting for me! I am so excited and I really hope that my room mate and I will get along and that we become great friends but who knows what will happen right? Anyway I will be signing off! See you real soon! (Maybe because I always forget I have a blog, which is probably bad blogging skills or what ever lol)

Daily Diary 73

I'm feeling really hurt and betrayed right now. I'm upset. So no I am not acting like a five year old I'm being the mature one letting my self cool down before I say something that I don't mean. 

Daily Diary 72

I kind of just want to get in my car and drive off. Just leave and never come back. I almost want to pull a Margo Roth Spiegelman...lol. I feel like my life recently has just gotten so weird. My friends are acting strange, my parents are acting strange and everyone around me is just out there...or maybe it's me. I don't know. All I know is that I am a messed up chick who's life is a series of unfortunate events. All I have is my fandoms and fanfictions to help me through the day. I have imaginary friends still and I talk to them. Pft I must be delirious right? No...I'm not, I'm just lonely, I think...My friends all apparently went out after prom without telling me. I had been asking for a week what we wanted to do and no one answered me but I guess now I know why...They went out without me. I want to believe that it isn't true but all the facts point to it being true. Not only that I just feel so left out of my own friend group where all these people are supposed to be my best friends. Especially my one friend, hes my best friend and I don't know why he wouldn't think to even say something to me. I figured the other two wouldn't say anything but him...I expected...I don't I expected him to tell me. As for the two, my Freddie and Katy as I like to call them on her as an overused Skins reference (A British TV show that I highly recommend) they are still together and even though I refer to myself as Effy, I do not get the guy in the end but I do get to keep Effy's depression although not the psychotic depression she has. I'm not even diagnosed with depression it just feels like I am all the time. Like I am constantly underwater ( another overused expression of mine) Anyway my lovely Katy is still a bitch to me, sorry to say but I feel like she does some of the things she does because I am around. As far as "Freddie" goes he's an idiot. Yesterday with those two and my best friend wasn't great. It was actually pretty horrible. I cried the whole way home. Then proceeded to be pissed for the rest pof the night. I am just so done with all of there crap that they give me. I usually am a good sport for a lot of things they do and all that but god this sucks...Idk how to even explain it.

Daily Diary 70

God...where to begin. I have had one of the worst days of my life, sounds dramatic I know but truly I never thought I would see a day like this. My head is fucked up, it is so fucked up that I cannot even think straight right now. 

Daily Diary 71

I don't know what I'm crying about. I shouldn't be but I feel so let down...although thats to be expected in my life but I just didn't expect it from the people I love most. Its my birthday next week. The big one where I become an adult. I just thought that my friends would spend that day with me but  most of them are probably go to anothers party...I mean its not that big of a deal and I think I am totally blowing this out of proportion...and I didn't have anything planned but I still feel let down, ya know... I don't know. I feel kind of stupid for feeling sad over something like this..