Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.