I haven't posted anything in a while...I guess because I haven't really had anything to say. I still don't think I have anything to say. Well that's a lie, I always have something to say. Where to start...? I guess with family drama first. My mums drinking again, I shouldn't be shocked honestly...because I knew it was going to happen again. I just can't fathom why she is doing this...well she can't help it, I know but it just gets frustrating after a while. It is just all of this pain and sadness that wells up inside me and makes me feel so depressed and angry and I hate it. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. I'm too emotional I think. I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken...Maybe I just have some major problems. I know I do but I don't know how to handle them. I just wish my mother would get a grip on her life and take back what is rightfully hers because I hate watching her fall deeper and deeper into the earth.
My other issue is my wonderful boyfriend...well it isn't really an issue its just some things are kind of bothering me and before you ask...yes I will be talking about all of this stuff with him. Because I like to think we have an open and honest relationship. Now, where to start? Well I am kind of annoyed that I am ALWAYS the one to start a text conversation...and I know that shouldn't bother me but it does. But I know how crazy and insecure that makes me sound so I almost don't want to bring it up to him, but the fact is I feel like he is always texting his two other friends (this statement makes sense to me because well I'm the writer but to the right people they would know who I am talking about). I don't even need a long conversation just "Hey! How are you doing? I am a bit busy today so I can't really talk" or not even that just a simple " I hope your day is going well."
The second thing that is sort of bothering me and I am pretty sure this is me just being paranoid but I feel like all I am good for is sexual things, because I feel like that is all we do any more. Although that is not the case it just feels like it is. And another thing, why would you hang out with your ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still into you and who you don't like to text because she's obsessive. Not only that why would you give me the choice to decide if I am okay with that or not. Obviously not...and it is not that I don't trust you! I don't trust her...and plus after what her friends said about me, and I am sure she joined in...because lets face it girls usually agree with what there friends are saying when it comes to something they don't like and when they are trying to make themselves feel better. I would know! I am a girl. On top of that I feel like you are upset with me...over what I am not completely sure...I don't even know if you are upset with me I just feel like you are.
And that is the last thing I want is you upset with me because all I want to do is make you happy...but I also want to be happy and yes I am my happiest when you are happy but it should work both ways. And if what you said to me was true and you really love me then that statement should be a main goal in our relationship...we should want to make each other happy. And it is because of that and the movie This Means War that I finally realized that I do love you. "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl." And its true I love who I am when I am with you, and I strive to be a better person. I always want to make you happy. I always want to talk to you and share moments with you. I want to hold your hand, comb my fingers through your hair and feel your body next to mine. I love to watch you talk about something you love and I love to watch you debate/argue things for forever. I love how you get that goofy smile on your face and when your nose scrunches up when I give you a weird look. I love when you look at me and I look at you and we just take each other in...I love you.
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