Daily diary 15

I'm a bit confused, not a lot just a bit. I think I'm falling for you but I'm a bit reluctant to believe it or even to let it happen. I don't even know if I should pursue you or if you even like me...we're both from different worlds. You live somewhere far far away and we wouldn't have a normal relationship. All I know is that it hurts, it hurts when you talk about someone else. About how pretty she is, how great she is, how she has a boyfriend or she doesn't. It hurts though and I don't know what to do.

Daily diary 14

An idea. An inspiring idea, thought, story. I had watched a movie tonight and it was interesting to say the least. I did not get it at first but as I sit here now thinking about it, I finally see it a bit more clearly. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I really enjoyed the movie and it brought out something in me that I had not felt in a while,mixed in with a lot of other emotions like fear, and anger, and hurt, and frustration, and so many other thins that I could just...I don't know. Tonight's daily diary is different I'm not talking in critics or being creative and writing in a wonderful way of expressing my emotions so that I can also have it relate to others, relate it to other so they can feel like someone gets them. I want to put me out here for now. Because for the first time I want to be creative for myself I want to express my way of thinking and although this is making no sense right now or well that's how it feels like...

“This moment will just be another story someday.”

That's how I feel, my life, this year, this month, this day, these days to come... My life will be just another story to be nixed into the countless others. The feelings I feel now are real and fresh and I can't eat them out of my head. They won't leave and I don't think they will for a long time. And while I half pretend to be happy I feel like dirt and I feel worthless, I feel lonely and worried and scared. Scared of what might happen and what will come of the decisions that are going to be made. I wish my life were a movie, a book, a song, because then it would be out there and be more inspiring then just being a blog where no one reads it unless I actually read it to them. Maybe it would help someone, save someone even. Who knows...maybe. I look at people sometimes and I wonder things like what are they thinking about, what are they doing here, what do they want to do, what are they going to do, what will they do, what is their purpose. I don't reach many conclusions but it's interesting to think about. I guess this is just me venting because this post has a meaning but yet it doesn't. I'm tired but I'm not tired...I think to much but that's not always bad. I think about things from the past often, mostly bad things... I should really think about other things. I guess that's it really my thoughts are all written or typed and it's done. Thanks for listening.

Daily diary 13

I want to disappear, I want to be lost, I want to be frozen, I want to turn back time, I want to I want to I want to...so many things. I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm in pain,I'm tired, I'm tired of all this bull shit. I'm tired of all the lies. I'm tired of all the yelling and fighting and the cheating and the backstabbing...I'm tired of not knowing. Not knowing who to believe, what to believe, what to do, where to go,who to turn to. It's all so confusing. I just want to go, somewhere, and disappear.

Daily diary 12

I want to believe you. I do...so much that it hurts because you are my father. The one who raised me, the one who was always there for me,the one who gives me advice and supports me the one I love...the one I hate. It's confusing, the mixture inside. Always battling whether to believe you, to forgive you, to love you or hate you. I don't want to love you...I don't want to hate you. I don't know really. I just want to make you disappear sometimes,so you can't hurt her, hurt him, hurt me. You find the situations enjoyable, to watch us bend and break, to snap, to cry, to break down, to whither up...to die inside. This is why I love to hate you.

Daily diary 11

The sleepless nights, the tired days...the yelling the screaming the lying the cheating... The game is playing, the rounds are shorting, it's coming to an end. But it's not even close... The war is not yet over it's still just beginning, the facts are evident they tell that everything under the picture perfect family is on thin ice and it's cracking, breaking, snapping. Under the pressure of the lies,the games, the fighting, the confusion, the hurt, the pain...everything. It's going to crack and I hope I'm not there to see it do so.

Daily diary #10

I feel alone, isolated, lost...gone. I don't know where I am anymore, here,there, anywhere, everywhere...no where. It doesn't make sense. What is happening here,I can't grasp it,I won't grasp it, I don't want to grasp it. All at the same time I want to make sense of it, I want to understand why. He is a complete ass,but gets away with making her look crazy, making me look crazy. I hate him. I hate him, I hate him,I hate him, but at the same time I can't. I can't because he is an important part of my life, so it makes it hard to make decisions. Although I have to make the tough decisions because who else will make them, who else will get control of the situation, who else will take the monster down. It has to be me.

Daily diary 9

I don't know what to believe anymore. Hearing your cries of pleasure then hearing your cries of pain and sadness confuses me. It does not make sense, I understand one thing and then the next it is different. Maybe I'm to young to understand it, maybe I'm to naive, maybe I'm to innocent, maybe I'm just to smart looking over what is there. I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm just better of believing no one , trusting no one, just keep to myself.

Daily diary 8.5

I'm the girl who puts up fake smiles at times. I'm the girl who goes home hoping not to see a repeat of last time. I'm the girl who can only be strong for a certain amount of time. I'm the girl that will eventually snap. I'm the girl who ends up clutching the bible,wishing, wanting for it to turn out right. I'm the girl who cries at the window watching to see if she has come home yet. I'm the girl who is pretending to be happy with him around. I'm the girl who is always super worried. I'm the girl who listens for the sound of cars coming down the street. I'm the girl who rushes to the window to be disappointed. I'm the girl...

Daily diary #8

You think your life is so bad...you complain about homework,about your job, about the little things that may go wrong. But you have not seen what happens here, where I reside...in my sorrows, my sadness, my life. In someways it sucks, an when I think thing are going to get better they get worse. I can not go on living my life the way it is now. The lies I tell, the front I put up, the pretending I do...it's a lot and I handle it. But with you not by my side, with you falling behind as I try to move forward. It's beginning to be hard. With out you standing here with me constantly, strong,willing, and ready to go with anything. It's getting harder and harder and as the days go on I sound like a depressed little girl who everyone "needs" to help, who everyone "needs" to fix, who everyone "needs" to know what's wrong to have the latest news. I'm fine but what about you? What about me? What about him? What about them? Do you not care enough to try harder, to try to stay away from the stuff that makes you weak...don't you try to help your self? You're ever so slowly killing your self, mentally and physically...you're killing the people around you...friends and family the people who care. But obviously you don't believe it..you let the monster who torments us get through your skin,through your armor, through the many cracks it has...you let the monster get what he wants, what he craves for...your demise, your pain, your anger, your sadness...he does this purposefully...to get this reaction...to get what he wants...and I don't know when you will realize it but when you do you will be free...free of everything, the pain,the sadness,the hurt..everything...

You will be free.