Daily Diary 69

I still like you. I thought that when you told me you didn't like me I would get over you but I can't. I still have feelings for you. The answer you gave me today was a horrible one, I'm not even sure if that was a complete answer. Just because we are going off to college soon doesn't mean we wouldn't work out. I don't know if that was you way of letting me down easy but if it wasn't and you do have feelings for me I would rather spend the remaining time we have this year, together. I don't even know how to tell you this in person. I don't want you to get annoyed with me because let's face it, I've been pretty damn annoying. Always being loud, and out there...but truth is you made me that way. You made me more outgoing, and you made me feel beautiful even when I think I look horrible. You made me comfortable wearing glasses and being myself. You make me smile and laugh all the time. You make me feel those stupid butterflies in my stomach every time you look at me. You made me a better person. So yes I still like you. I want to be with you, you make me happy. I know I sound like some stupid girl but if you like me at all I want you to take a risk and try it. Try us. And if I'm complete wrong about everything, then, well I still want to be your friend. 

Daily Diary 68

Well I promised my self I would never cry over a guy again, but here I am doing just that...I've got all this pent up emotion and I just don't know what to do I want you, from the moment I saw you I was attracted to you and I think we ought to at least give us a shot... I don't know. That's just what I think.

Daily Diary 67

The sun is dipping low in the sky, mixing with pinks and purples and oranges. The different shades of blue are bleeding through the bright colors. The stars are coming out, shining brightly. The moon is switching places with the sun. My eyes vacantly stare out the window, witnessing the change. There is a high pitch ringing in my ears, this eerie sound ringing and ringing and ringing. My head is heavy, foggy, dark. I can't really think straight. I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm just going through the motions. Wandering around, not really knowing what I'm doing. I can't stop thinking about everything. There is so much pressure on my shoulders, that I feel like I am going to collapse, under the weight of the world. I have to do so much for colleges. I have to do so much for school. I have to do so much for my family. I have to do so much for my friends. I have to do so much for myself. But the reality of all of it is that I can't do all of this on my own, and thats all I've got...is myself. I feel like my friends aren't really there, I mean I can't expect them to be, they have their own things to worry about. My parents aren't there. One is always so busy and is a walking fuse. The other, she's not there...she's gone, I have lost her. I have lost her, and I don't think she is coming back. I can't ask my brother for help, he wouldn't understand. I can't talk to my grandparents because they're to far away and they too would not understand what is happening to me. I don't even now what is happening to me. What is happening to me? 

Daily Diary 66

Here I am. In the dimming twilight, streaming through my windows. Getting dressed in a daze. How much more can I go through before everything gets better. How much more are you going to put me through until everything works out alright. When am I going to feel content, and safe and happy. When am I going to feel better and not like Im going to have my heart ripped out?

Daily Diary 65

It's been a while, so I guess you could say that everything has been going pretty well but it's going down hill again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. My best friend(well pretty much my sister) is angry with me,or at least it seems that way and is acting different. I don't know what to do or why she is even upset with me. I might fancy a boy who I'm not even sure likes girls! He said so but who the hell know anymore, all my life my relationships have turned out bad. My mother is drinking again and my friends have started to slip through my fingers. And I honestly I have no idea what I'm even writing because I feel so...so cluttered and disoriented in my head that I don't know what to feel. I just know that I feel alone...very very alone.

Daily Diary 64

I lied to her, my bestfriend. I was so worried about her that I have information to her mother. Her mom! God I feel terrible. Did I do the right thing...I don't know. I just don't want to be the fault of her getting into deep trouble because of me...

Daily Diary 63

Here a hole that fits mine, the moment I saw you I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being...close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling...happiness. I used to be able to when I was strong, but now I'm weak and I can't, I can't. I went crazy when I was with you, I can't let that happen again. Loves not supposed to do that, you made me go mad. You're making me go mad even now, and it hurts that you are out of reach. I can't have you, no one can have you but her. Deep down I like to think you still like me, still care for me, and a part of me thinks it's true. I honestly think you like me but you're confused. Confused if you like her more than you like me, or the other way around. I don't know what you're thinking, I wish I knew. I want you so badly, but I can't have you and it hurts everyday that I have to see you with her. She hates me I'm sure. I don't blame her. What do I do, should I tell you straight up that I don't like you being with her...would that make a difference? Sometimes...I wish I could be like Effy Stonem, although she, as a character, closely resembles me, personality wise, but she handles her self much better than I ever could. She also didn't know what to do with her feelings, I don't think she realized she loved Freddie until it was like right there in her face, that extreme feeling while watching him with someone else. I think that what is happening with me now. I just still don't know if I love you or not. How the hell do I even tell something like that? She also screws a lot up, which I do quite often so...we're a like. She did not know what to do and I don't know either...I just wish...just wish things could be different.

Daily Diary 62

You lead a life full of adventure, hope, sorrow...love and each moment is a memory that makes up your life. Each memory is different, has a thought, an emotion. They make you who you are, they shape te way we live today, tomorrow and everyday after.

Daily diary 61

Do I love him? I don't know!? I'm going crazy, how did you know when you love someone. I'm so confused...help? I'm not going to get it though, because no one knows...I'm not sure if I even know. All that I do know is that I want to be with him all the time, make him smile and laugh, I want to know everything about him, I want him to come to me with his problems and doubts...is this love?

Daily diary 60

The stale air is suffocating me, the fluorescent lighting buzzes around me and I'm feeling like my head is on fire. Thick clouds of hot smoke are fogging my head and my vision. What is this feeling?  

Daily Diary 59

I sit here watching the blinking cursor, not really knowing what to type. I feel lost, not knowing where I am yet I know exactly where I am. I'm at home, sitting in my room, I can see myself. I can see myself sitting there, I can see myself losing it, I can see myself slowly withering away and no one but me seems to see it. I know most of my problems are not my fault, but some of them are. Those problems really all come down to me being selfish, and vain. I think of myself better than many people, yet I still pity myself for not being talented enough, not being good enough, not having a real family. It's true, I am not a nice person, I lie, cheat, manipulate, I seek revenge more often than seeking love. I'm not as good of a friend as I should be, I don't care about anyone but myself. Which may not be true as I do care about some people, but I don't care enough to help them, all I do is keep to myself and wallow in my self-pity. It feels good to wallow though; it allows me to actually get away from the things that are actually real. At least wallowing alone, I'm actually alone and I can all pretend it’s not real, that this sad stuff is indeed fake and that I am making this all up.

My friends, I've pushed them all away. One I'm angry at, so angry at, but I shouldn't be angry at her. She really didn't do anything wrong. It really, again, comes back to me. I was the one that pushed him away, deserted him for my own selfish desire of finding someone like the girls on TV get, the dashingly handsome boy who saves the day and everyone is jealous of. I thought maybe I could be the pretty girl who could get a guy like that, a guy who was good looking, could play sports well, who was confident and who could be dashing and chivalrous. Thinking that way made me stupid, so stupid and with that thinking I lost him, for good. I lost him forever and there is not a day that goes by that I am not mad at myself for doing that. For being so stupid that I didn't realize how good of a guy he really was is. He deserves better than me, which he did achieve, he found someone much better than me. Though he did not play that out well, and he lost me as a friend and his best friend because he pushed everyone away. He changed, she did too. She pushed her friends away and she was mad at me, which is totally understandable. I just wish that now, she would be with him, with the status and everything, because as of now they hold the title friends with benefits. He likes her, I can tell and I guess it helps that he told me as much. I just wish we could go back to a time where he still liked me. I would give up anything, everything to do that. I made a mistake, and I know that now, but there is no way to do that. During Halloween, I thought, I so surely thought that he still cared for me, it was also the day that I really realized that I still liked him. We messed around through the whole night. Pushing each other, laughing, joking...playing around, I thought...I thought maybe he still liked me too. I was wrong, or maybe I was to slow because next thing I know she’s asking me if I would feel weird with her dating him. She was my friend, I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to hurt anyone, and if I would get hurt in the process, well I honestly wasn't thinking about that until after. I made the mistake of saying she could, that I wouldn't be bothered by it. Well I was bothered by it, seeing them together... it hurt a lot. It was like this pressure on my chest and I couldn't breathe. Everyone supported them, chanting their ship name and that made everything hurt even more. I cried a lot that week and the week after that and the one after that. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't look at her, it made me upset. I know she must have felt terrible to, guilty maybe? Angry, probably. Upset, definitely. I just could not bear to look at her though, nor him, because it hurt so badly. Now though, I'm still upset, and I act fake, I pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't know if it’s for my sake or theirs. They act friendly with me, like nothing ever happened; she hugs me in his sweat jacket, maybe one that I've worn before? She pets my hair, calls me Belle, jokes and talks and acts like she used to like nothing ever happened. But it did, it did happen, and I'm still angry and I'm still upset. I just want to be left alone. I'm not ready yet to be with both of them.

It's worse though when he tries to be my friend, like nothing happened. Like he can mess around with me and push me and laugh with me and it hurts worse than being with her. I know one day, that I will be ready to talk to them about it, laugh with them again and joke around, but I'm just not ready.

My family is a whole different story, one that I am not sure I can really explain without losing my mind, though I'm pretty sure I've lost it. I've lost all of them, all three of them. I'm the Evil Queen to my brother, my dad is terrible and manipulative and liar, my mom she's a lot of things and the first one I lost. She drinks, and drinks and drinks and drinks and all she ever does is drink. It hurts, because she won’t stop, she won’t ever stop and one day she’s going to die and then what should I do! I can't even stop her and it makes me feel helpless, so helpless that I can’t do anything about her. She won’t stop, not for herself, not for my father, not for my brother, not even for me. She will die and I will lose her forever. I won't be able to handle my father; it will like being sentenced to death. He thinks everything is my fault, everything is me. I'm the cause for every problem, he lies to me and twists my mind to a point where I don't know what’s right or wrong anymore. He constantly says things about my grandparents, who have been the only people to really hold me down from going insane. I am told to lie, to everyone, about what happens. I'm told to lie to my grandparents about what my mother is doing, what is happening in her life and what is happening to myself. I'm tired of lying to people, I'm tired of lying to my grandparents and I'm tired of lying to myself. I once thought that things were going to get better, I thought maybe she would clean up her act, my dad would actually act like a dad and that my brother would have a better childhood than I did. That was stupid of me to think though because it will never happen, and throughout that time my brother too, began to dislike me with my father’s influence. He became rash and manipulative and he started to become more violent and angry all the time and I don't know what to do for that. He used to love me, like really love me, he would look up to me, and he would pine for my attention and I became bitter. I pushed him away, I was mean to him all the time and with time and of course my dad, my brother began to hate me also just like everyone else in my family. To him I'm the Evil Queen, mean, vengeful, liar and well evil. Maybe everyone in my family doesn't hate me but, they definitely don't like me all the time. I don't really know how to handle that, how do I handle that?

My best friend, god my best friend is losing it too and I have no way to help her, absolutely no way. She worries me all the time; I'm afraid that she will do something rash and hurt herself. She can't handle to much more and I don't exactly know how to help her to make sure she will be okay. My heart hurts even more for her because I can’t help her like I should be able to. I feel helpless, because I don't know what to do.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. My body aches. My shoulders are weighed down with my problems and I'm the only one who can fix them. I'm tired of everything...and just once I wanna feel something other than my normal feelings of anger and sadness and helplessness. Nobody understands what I'm going through, and even though some try they don't get it. Maybe somewhere in the world someone feels the same way; someone probably does feel the same way. Maybe we have the same problem...I don't know...but what I do know is that I destroy everything I touch. Not right away but at least once I destroy something, sometimes it falls apart and sometimes it gets put back together, but everything I touch falls apart at some point. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were somewhere else. I wonder what it would be like to be dead, the life pouring out me. Would I see some dazzling white light? Would I end up somewhere nicer? I don't know...maybe it’s something like that, not that I really want to find out anytime soon but I imagine it happening. The point is...the point is...is that no one really understands. No one knows me at all and no one ever really will.

Daily Diary 58

I don't know how to handle anything any more. I'm losing my mind, drowning in it and I can see others around me drowning too. I can see them reaching for help, I watch them, I only watch them for I've given up a long time ago. I'm so confused anymore I don't know who to trust or who to turn to. Now my sister is drowning to, and I fear she may be going in to deep to fast, faster than the speed I'm going at. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to help her, to save her. I'm lost and I can't help. 

Daily Diary 57

I haven't written in a while. A long while. I guess I've just been so busy I haven't really had the time to write, or I just have been lost in thought. I'm still confused and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spinning and spinning and spinning like the tea cup ride at amusement parks. I guess it will always be like that. Though I have come to realize that, I'm okay with her taking him. As long as he's happy and she is still my good friend everything will be alright. As for anything else it's still a constant battle. This note has a much happier tone to it which, for now is good.

Daily Diary 56

I may walk around like I'm confident, sometimes shy, cute, happy go lucky girl...but really I'm wearing a well painted mask...one that rarely gets taken off even with all the abuse it's put through...and of course there are cracks,many many cracks. In those cracks you can see the girl who is really under there. Sure I can be nice and I'm actually a caring compassionate person, but people have made that portion of me become very small...so now under that mask is a sad, selfish, shattered girl who can't get away from her own vainity to realize what's in front of her. I'm a selfish girl who takes things for granted. I know things that other would be shocked from, I do things that would make others fall over in surprise. I'm not the innocent person everyone thinks I am. I hold to many secrets for that. I'm vain, I love when people complement me, I love to be noticed by others, and I love when I have men drooling over me. I'm inconsiderate, I'm greedy and have a slight power problem. I'm also depressed, stressed and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm confused...as it always seems to be that way these days...and I don't know where to go, who to turn to, what to do. I can't tell anyone the whole truth, because then they give me stupid advice, and look at me with such disappointment and shame, and pity that it's not worth it. And although I'm one for drama, as I do love to create it unfortunately, I don't think I can handle it anymore. My friends are slowly dwindling, my passion for life is draining and my family is slowly dissapering from my grasp. I don't know anything anymore my head is foggy and I feel entirely lost.