Daily diary 60

The stale air is suffocating me, the fluorescent lighting buzzes around me and I'm feeling like my head is on fire. Thick clouds of hot smoke are fogging my head and my vision. What is this feeling?  

Daily Diary 59

I sit here watching the blinking cursor, not really knowing what to type. I feel lost, not knowing where I am yet I know exactly where I am. I'm at home, sitting in my room, I can see myself. I can see myself sitting there, I can see myself losing it, I can see myself slowly withering away and no one but me seems to see it. I know most of my problems are not my fault, but some of them are. Those problems really all come down to me being selfish, and vain. I think of myself better than many people, yet I still pity myself for not being talented enough, not being good enough, not having a real family. It's true, I am not a nice person, I lie, cheat, manipulate, I seek revenge more often than seeking love. I'm not as good of a friend as I should be, I don't care about anyone but myself. Which may not be true as I do care about some people, but I don't care enough to help them, all I do is keep to myself and wallow in my self-pity. It feels good to wallow though; it allows me to actually get away from the things that are actually real. At least wallowing alone, I'm actually alone and I can all pretend it’s not real, that this sad stuff is indeed fake and that I am making this all up.

My friends, I've pushed them all away. One I'm angry at, so angry at, but I shouldn't be angry at her. She really didn't do anything wrong. It really, again, comes back to me. I was the one that pushed him away, deserted him for my own selfish desire of finding someone like the girls on TV get, the dashingly handsome boy who saves the day and everyone is jealous of. I thought maybe I could be the pretty girl who could get a guy like that, a guy who was good looking, could play sports well, who was confident and who could be dashing and chivalrous. Thinking that way made me stupid, so stupid and with that thinking I lost him, for good. I lost him forever and there is not a day that goes by that I am not mad at myself for doing that. For being so stupid that I didn't realize how good of a guy he really was is. He deserves better than me, which he did achieve, he found someone much better than me. Though he did not play that out well, and he lost me as a friend and his best friend because he pushed everyone away. He changed, she did too. She pushed her friends away and she was mad at me, which is totally understandable. I just wish that now, she would be with him, with the status and everything, because as of now they hold the title friends with benefits. He likes her, I can tell and I guess it helps that he told me as much. I just wish we could go back to a time where he still liked me. I would give up anything, everything to do that. I made a mistake, and I know that now, but there is no way to do that. During Halloween, I thought, I so surely thought that he still cared for me, it was also the day that I really realized that I still liked him. We messed around through the whole night. Pushing each other, laughing, joking...playing around, I thought...I thought maybe he still liked me too. I was wrong, or maybe I was to slow because next thing I know she’s asking me if I would feel weird with her dating him. She was my friend, I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to hurt anyone, and if I would get hurt in the process, well I honestly wasn't thinking about that until after. I made the mistake of saying she could, that I wouldn't be bothered by it. Well I was bothered by it, seeing them together... it hurt a lot. It was like this pressure on my chest and I couldn't breathe. Everyone supported them, chanting their ship name and that made everything hurt even more. I cried a lot that week and the week after that and the one after that. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't look at her, it made me upset. I know she must have felt terrible to, guilty maybe? Angry, probably. Upset, definitely. I just could not bear to look at her though, nor him, because it hurt so badly. Now though, I'm still upset, and I act fake, I pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't know if it’s for my sake or theirs. They act friendly with me, like nothing ever happened; she hugs me in his sweat jacket, maybe one that I've worn before? She pets my hair, calls me Belle, jokes and talks and acts like she used to like nothing ever happened. But it did, it did happen, and I'm still angry and I'm still upset. I just want to be left alone. I'm not ready yet to be with both of them.

It's worse though when he tries to be my friend, like nothing happened. Like he can mess around with me and push me and laugh with me and it hurts worse than being with her. I know one day, that I will be ready to talk to them about it, laugh with them again and joke around, but I'm just not ready.

My family is a whole different story, one that I am not sure I can really explain without losing my mind, though I'm pretty sure I've lost it. I've lost all of them, all three of them. I'm the Evil Queen to my brother, my dad is terrible and manipulative and liar, my mom she's a lot of things and the first one I lost. She drinks, and drinks and drinks and drinks and all she ever does is drink. It hurts, because she won’t stop, she won’t ever stop and one day she’s going to die and then what should I do! I can't even stop her and it makes me feel helpless, so helpless that I can’t do anything about her. She won’t stop, not for herself, not for my father, not for my brother, not even for me. She will die and I will lose her forever. I won't be able to handle my father; it will like being sentenced to death. He thinks everything is my fault, everything is me. I'm the cause for every problem, he lies to me and twists my mind to a point where I don't know what’s right or wrong anymore. He constantly says things about my grandparents, who have been the only people to really hold me down from going insane. I am told to lie, to everyone, about what happens. I'm told to lie to my grandparents about what my mother is doing, what is happening in her life and what is happening to myself. I'm tired of lying to people, I'm tired of lying to my grandparents and I'm tired of lying to myself. I once thought that things were going to get better, I thought maybe she would clean up her act, my dad would actually act like a dad and that my brother would have a better childhood than I did. That was stupid of me to think though because it will never happen, and throughout that time my brother too, began to dislike me with my father’s influence. He became rash and manipulative and he started to become more violent and angry all the time and I don't know what to do for that. He used to love me, like really love me, he would look up to me, and he would pine for my attention and I became bitter. I pushed him away, I was mean to him all the time and with time and of course my dad, my brother began to hate me also just like everyone else in my family. To him I'm the Evil Queen, mean, vengeful, liar and well evil. Maybe everyone in my family doesn't hate me but, they definitely don't like me all the time. I don't really know how to handle that, how do I handle that?

My best friend, god my best friend is losing it too and I have no way to help her, absolutely no way. She worries me all the time; I'm afraid that she will do something rash and hurt herself. She can't handle to much more and I don't exactly know how to help her to make sure she will be okay. My heart hurts even more for her because I can’t help her like I should be able to. I feel helpless, because I don't know what to do.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. My body aches. My shoulders are weighed down with my problems and I'm the only one who can fix them. I'm tired of everything...and just once I wanna feel something other than my normal feelings of anger and sadness and helplessness. Nobody understands what I'm going through, and even though some try they don't get it. Maybe somewhere in the world someone feels the same way; someone probably does feel the same way. Maybe we have the same problem...I don't know...but what I do know is that I destroy everything I touch. Not right away but at least once I destroy something, sometimes it falls apart and sometimes it gets put back together, but everything I touch falls apart at some point. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were somewhere else. I wonder what it would be like to be dead, the life pouring out me. Would I see some dazzling white light? Would I end up somewhere nicer? I don't know...maybe it’s something like that, not that I really want to find out anytime soon but I imagine it happening. The point is...the point is...is that no one really understands. No one knows me at all and no one ever really will.

Daily Diary 58

I don't know how to handle anything any more. I'm losing my mind, drowning in it and I can see others around me drowning too. I can see them reaching for help, I watch them, I only watch them for I've given up a long time ago. I'm so confused anymore I don't know who to trust or who to turn to. Now my sister is drowning to, and I fear she may be going in to deep to fast, faster than the speed I'm going at. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to help her, to save her. I'm lost and I can't help. 

Daily Diary 57

I haven't written in a while. A long while. I guess I've just been so busy I haven't really had the time to write, or I just have been lost in thought. I'm still confused and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spinning and spinning and spinning like the tea cup ride at amusement parks. I guess it will always be like that. Though I have come to realize that, I'm okay with her taking him. As long as he's happy and she is still my good friend everything will be alright. As for anything else it's still a constant battle. This note has a much happier tone to it which, for now is good.