Daily Diary 100

The room is dimly lit, the only real light coming from the opening in the blinds. We lie in bed facing each other, staring at one another. Our legs tangled together; your arms wrapped around me to shelter me from the coldness of the room. The feel of your skin is like fire, igniting its way through my body. Your eyes taking in the features of my face, while my finger traces patterns on your cheek. I smile at you. I can feel my eyes squinting in a weird way, like they usually do. You smile back at me. Your nose crinkles up a little bit. We stay like that. In that moment nothing can touch us. We just are. We are vulnerable. We are just us...and in that moment I know how I feel about you. It swells in my chest, and the butterflies in my stomach start to go. My heart beats faster and my cheeks flush a bit darker. In that moment I am happy.

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This is one of my favorite memories. One that I will keep with me forever. It is what love felt like for me at that moment. A raw, pure emotion that I now fully realize. 

Daily Diary 99

Tell me if you ever cared.
Tell me if you have even thought about me since we parted.
Tell me if you think about things I once said.
Tell me if you think about things I once did.
Tell me if you see things that remind you of me.
Tell me if you think of things you want to tell me.
Tell me if you are hurt.
Tell me if you even loved me.

Daily Diary 98

I once heard this story about leaves, like the leaves on a tree. I don't exactly remember where I heard this from but it stuck in the back of my mind. "When a leaf passes in front of you, it means someone, somewhere is thinking about you." I like that thought, that someone, out in the world is thinking about you...and some how the planet is trying to tell you that you are being thought of.

Recently, each time a leaf passes by me, I like to think you are thinking about me. It probably isn't true, it could be someone else or no one at all. This could all false. It most likely is false but I like to hope that the story is somewhat true.

Daily Diary 97

There is something inherently beautiful about the words I love you. I know it is said all the time, and it is thrown around like leaves in the wind but those words are so raw to me. The words I love you...I know I throw them around sometimes but I don't say them to people without meaning it. To me there are different types of love. The love of a friend, the love of a family member, the love of something you do...all different kinds of love. "I love you" to me is something sacred...yes...and I do throw it around but when I say it to someone, face to face, in a serious situation... I mean it. I, in that moment, am vulnerable. I trust who ever that person is with my heart, my soul, and my feelings. They are the person I like to spend my days with. Someone I want to spend every moment with. They make me happy and its natural to be with them. Love is crazy...it makes you go mad.

Edwin Bodney - "When a Boy Tells You He Loves You"

I love this.

Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.

Daily Diary 95

There is his poem that I have fallen in love with, and recently that is all I can listen to. It doesn't necessarily apply to anything but then again it does.

As I stand on this street corner and watch these two roads meet i suddenly feel at peace

Maybe it's because at my feet lies the intersection of two distinct paths merging at a point of vulnerability

Maybe because it's a reminder of you and me, and the blissful bond we once shared

Without a care in the world, my arms wrapped around you to shelter you from the cold

Two souls kept warm by each others company

Two hearts dancing in the rain playfully

Two minds with the same thing in mind, you want me to be yours and i want you to me mine

I don't know maybe i'm crazy

Maybe time has finally out played me

Maybe i've stopped seeing beauty in the little things

Maybe i've stopped appreciating the gift life brings

Maybe i'm in over my head,

Or maybe i just miss the familiar contours of your body under the chalk white sheets of my bed

I don’t know, maybe this is normal

Maybe i stopped being myself after you left,

Maybe this is all a test

Maybe i failed and i couldn't clean up the mess

Maybe that's why the rain suddenly feels colder on my skin

Maybe that's why whenever i try to apologize i don’t know where to begin or where to end all these things that i typed up in my mind and i wanna tell you but i just can't bring myself to hit "send".

Maybe i fucked up and i won't admit it

Maybe i'm a coward

Seems like i've got all the time in the world maybe i should do something about it

I mean, every minute feels like an hour

Maybe i'm a fool for distancing myself from you

Maybe that’s why i couldn't admit i loved you

Because for some reason i couldn't accept that maybe,

just maybe,

You might have loved me too.

I know we aren’t together anymore. I feel like people don't realize what they had until it is gone. You became such a constant in my life, someone that I would go to for anything that was bothering me. Someone I would go to for anything that made me happy. You were the person I first thought about in the morning and the last person I thought about at night. You are the person who consumes my thoughts. I see things now and I think of you, because everything reminds me of you. I want to share every bit of my day with you and I want to tell you about the weird thing I did. I want to tell you all about the embarrassing moments. I want to tell you the stupid things I said. I want to share everything with you but I can't. I can't do that anymore because we aren't together. You might be thinking, but we’re friends. That's the thing though...I don't think I can be friends with you. I love you too much, which might seem crazy but you made me fall for you fast. I can't look at you as a friend without wanting you. And gosh I want to be friends with you but I don't want to become annoying to you. I don't want you to think that I am crazy for texting you so often. I don't want you to think that I’m still in the mindset that we are still dating, because I know we aren't...but I still want there to be an us. But you don't want that. I don't think you will ever want that again. And I don't know if you stopped feeling the way I feel for you, but I hope not. But the probability of that is so slim...and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel so bad that you have to tiptoe around my feelings. I am just so confused. I don't understand how things can go from one place to now. How can you go from loving someone to not wanting to be with them. Was any of this real?

Daily Diary 94

I didn't realize how important you became to me... It's like a snowstorm, where you see the flakes falling but you don't really realize how much is on the ground until it too late. It is just a blanket of white. All the little things add up and become precious memories. But one day the sun comes out and they all melt away.

Jeez how morbid. lol...

Daily Diary 93

I feel like I am questioning everything now. Did you really like me? Did I mean anything to you? Did you really love me? Was it something I made up in my head? Did you just feel bad for me? Was it something you did just for the time you were here? Did you move on already? Does this even hurt for you? Do you feel any of this pain? Are you okay? Why? Maybe I was just so stupid that I miss read everything, and had this big expectation about us. Maybe I was stupid and didn't realize that you didn't really want this. And because of that I now feel numb...heartbroken. Why would you tell me that you love me if you don't mean it? Don't tell me something like that because I'll do something stupid like believe it. I fell in love with you, I fell hard and now I have to pick up the pieces. And the crazy thing is that I still love you! I want to be angry with you and upset and I want to hate you but I just can't. I can't get mad at you. I can't hate you. And I am beating myself up over the fact that I still miss you and that all I want right now is you, but I can't have you because you're not mine. I'm just sad. And just because we are not together doesn't mean I won't love you. God you were...ugh I don't know. I just don't even know how to really put my thoughts into words right now. But thank you for loving me and giving me the we had together.

Daily Diary 92

I fucked up and I hate myself for it. I don't even really know what happened during that talk. But I think its clear that you don't feel the same way I do. I knew it would happen but I didn't take the warning because I want to be with you. I just don't know anymore I wish that...idk.

Daily Diary 91

I don't really know how to approach this, but it is just something else that has been bothering me for a while. It really shouldn't but it kind of does and I really hate that it does. I hate even trying to type it but I know that it will make me feel a little bit better to put it out there. I hate feeling like I have to compete with them. I know I don't have to but I feel like I always am. I feel like you are always with them, always texting them and god I sound like some psycho but I am not trying to. I tried so hard to stop my self form thinking that way but I just feel like I am second to them. I don't drink, I get super moody all the time, I am not smart what so ever, I like super weird things. I feel like they judge me on how I act and what I do. I am probably just paranoid but...I don't know...I just feel like you don't want to be around me or text me as much as you want to be around them..? I don't know I'm just crazy, I think I have finally realized that...I wish I was actually crazy. Not really but sometimes I do. I just, sometimes wish I didn't have to feel like that, I wish I didn't feel like that at all. Because I realize that they are your friends and I whole heartedly support that I just feel like 98 percent of the time I am just not included. I don't know what I'm typing anymore. Sorry.

Daily Diary 90

I am fucked up. I have just now realized the extent of what my mother has done to me...I am broken. I feel so cut off from the people I care about most. I feel like I am in a whole different world, outed by the small matter of alcohol. God I don't even know what I really want to say. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just didn't, I didn't feel closer on the subject. My best friend, my boyfriend...I feel so distant from them in this way. They have both drank before and I haven't. I want to try drinking, but I am scared about becoming my mother. I am also stubborn as hell and I don't want to just for the fact that I want to prove to people that I am true to my word. The words that I have lived by for so many years now. I don't want to drink, but I feel so...not in the loop and its honestly driving me crazy. I know this seems like I am trying to fit in but it isn't that. Well maybe it is, I don't know but I just...I just don't know. I feel like banging my head against a wall until I have figured it out. I am so angry and annoyed and I don't know. I can't keep getting angry just because someone I love drinks. And this is where I think the physiological effect of what my mother has had on me comes in. Not only and I freaked out about becoming like her, I can't stand the people I love doing something so stupid. Even though they probably won't abuse it. I just...I don't know...my mom explained it to me today that I just want to protect them but I don't know if thats really what I want to do. I think on some level that is true but I think its also the fact that I want to drag them over to where I am. Someone who is too stubborn to try it, to angry, to damn scared to even explore. I want them to be with me where they don't drink. But that won't happen. I can't keep getting angry with people just because they make those choices. I can't keep feeling uncomfortable when someone talks about drinking or being around someone when they are. I just feel so out of place, like I am so far away from everyone. I want to be able to be around them, enjoy a moment, be a normal college student who drinks before they are supposed to. That might just be a fantasy of mine that I concocted in my head but god. I don't know what to think, I feel like my head is so screwed up that I keep having this battle within my self over this issue.

I don't want to be my mom, I don't want to abuse it, I don't even like it but then I think well you have never really tried it. But then I think again well you hate the smell of a lot of different alcohol so why would you like it. My mom suggested something to try and I don't know I guess it sounds okay, and I told her we could try it, not that she would be the one to drink. She would buy it for me to try in the safety of my own home. But is that what I want. I am just so conflicted and angry and I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be upset with people I care about because of something so stupid. This is why I think I need help. Like professional mental help because I feel so messed up...so out there that I get angry with people just because they chose to do something they like. I have no right and ugh this is a point where I just want to go to sleep and just not wake up until all my problems are solved. Sounds morbid but what can I say.

I am having a really hard time with this and I wish I wasn't.

Daily Diary 89

Recently I just feel like we are drifting apart, when we used to be so close. I don't want to break up with you....but is that what you want? and don't just be nice to me because you feel bad. It would be worse if you did that. I want you to be honest with me. I can't take this constant upset, because thats not what this should be like between us. I know we need to talk and I know when I say that nothing comes out of my mouth but its because Im nervous and I don't always know what to say and sometimes my thoughts get so mixed up in my head. I want to be with you so badly but I feel like maybe thats not exactly what you want anymore? I don't know. I just hate crying and God I am crying because I am afraid of losing you. So its not really a bad thing...

I'm sorry I am making this a mess, I am just trying to figure all of this out as well. I want to be with you when you go away, but I can kind of see where you are coming from. We should see how we fair with us being so far apart, but is that enough for us to break up? What about a break, isn't that totally different than a break up? A break up is totally different in my mind. It is where two people are not together and they can be together with other people, where as a break in my mind is where a couple evaluates their relationship? I don't know. It just makes me think, unwillingly, that you want to see other people while you are away. And if thats the case maybe, we shouldn't be together. As hard as that is to say (here comes the tears). I don't want to be second choice, I want to be your first and only choice. And if I am not that then, I don't know. You're making me crazy and love is supposed to do that...I love you...

Im a horrible person. Im just like my parents as hard as I have tried to not let that happen I feel like it has. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im fucked up. I love you. 

Daily Diary 88

I don't know what to write. Im kind of just numb right now, like I have this hole where my heart should be. And its hot...because I am under the damn comforter. I don't know why I am so fucking emotional over this but I am I just....I don't know. I agree we should see how it works out but god we are going to break up? Not to sound like a bitch but then great we can do what ever we want because we aren't together but we can still talk great. Just what I want to do, break up but still be in love with you. I don't know maybe I am just not understanding this whole thing because that just seems so stupid, no offense. So I have to wait for the impending day where we go our separate ways just to see if long distance will work. Okay grand, so while you go off to some amazing place, and I will be here worrying about you, wondering wether or not I'll be okay. I sound selfish. Maybe I am selfish. I just fell in love with you, I am in love with you...If we were in love then we would try our hardest to make it work right? I don't know anymore. What are we doing. A break would be better than breaking up. On a break its like there are boundaries where each person doesn't try to date another person, and there still together but they aren't. Breaking up just makes it like its officially done, I knew this day would probably come and I was hopping it wouldn't knvwjfoidojoifobejvof2bevoihjboijgrf 

fuck.

Daily Diary 87

I haven't posted anything in a while...I guess because I haven't really had anything to say. I still don't think I have anything to say. Well that's a lie, I always have something to say. Where to start...? I guess with family drama first. My mums drinking again, I shouldn't be shocked honestly...because I knew it was going to happen again. I just can't fathom why she is doing this...well she can't help it, I know but it just gets frustrating after a while. It is just all of this pain and sadness that wells up inside me and makes me feel so depressed and angry and I hate it. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. I'm too emotional I think. I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken...Maybe I just have some major problems. I know I do but I don't know how to handle them. I just wish my mother would get a grip on her life and take back what is rightfully hers because I hate watching her fall deeper and deeper into the earth. 

My other issue is my wonderful boyfriend...well it isn't really an issue its just some things are kind of bothering me and before you ask...yes I will be talking about all of this stuff with him. Because I like to think we have an open and honest relationship. Now, where to start? Well I am kind of annoyed that I am ALWAYS the one to start a text conversation...and I know that shouldn't bother me but it does. But I know how crazy and insecure that makes me sound so I almost don't want to bring it up to him, but the fact is I feel like he is always texting his two other friends (this statement makes sense to me because well I'm the writer but to the right people they would know who I am talking about). I don't even need a long conversation just "Hey! How are you doing? I am a bit busy today so I can't really talk" or not even that just a simple " I hope your day is going well." 

The second thing that is sort of bothering me and I am pretty sure this is me just being paranoid but I feel like all I am good for is sexual things, because I feel like that is all we do any more. Although that is not the case it just feels like it is. And another thing, why would you hang out with your ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still into you and who you don't like to text because she's obsessive. Not only that why would you give me the choice to decide if I am okay with that or not. Obviously not...and it is not that I don't trust you! I don't trust her...and plus after what her friends said about me, and I am sure she joined in...because lets face it girls usually agree with what there friends are saying when it comes to something they don't like and when they are trying to make themselves feel better. I would know! I am a girl. On top of that I feel like you are upset with me...over what I am not completely sure...I don't even know if you are upset with me I just feel like you are.

And that is the last thing I want is you upset with me because all I want to do is make you happy...but I also want to be happy and yes I am my happiest when you are happy but it should work both ways. And if what you said to me was true and you really love me then that statement should be a main goal in our relationship...we should want to make each other happy. And it is because of that and the movie This Means War that I finally realized that I do love you. "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl." And its true I love who I am when I am with you, and I strive to be a better person. I always want to make you happy. I always want to talk to you and share moments with you. I want to hold your hand, comb my fingers through your hair and feel your body next to mine. I love to watch you talk about something you love and I love to watch you debate/argue things for forever. I love how you get that goofy smile on your face and when your nose scrunches up when I give you a weird look. I love when you look at me and I look at you and we just take each other in...I love you.