Daily Diary 89

Recently I just feel like we are drifting apart, when we used to be so close. I don't want to break up with you....but is that what you want? and don't just be nice to me because you feel bad. It would be worse if you did that. I want you to be honest with me. I can't take this constant upset, because thats not what this should be like between us. I know we need to talk and I know when I say that nothing comes out of my mouth but its because Im nervous and I don't always know what to say and sometimes my thoughts get so mixed up in my head. I want to be with you so badly but I feel like maybe thats not exactly what you want anymore? I don't know. I just hate crying and God I am crying because I am afraid of losing you. So its not really a bad thing...

I'm sorry I am making this a mess, I am just trying to figure all of this out as well. I want to be with you when you go away, but I can kind of see where you are coming from. We should see how we fair with us being so far apart, but is that enough for us to break up? What about a break, isn't that totally different than a break up? A break up is totally different in my mind. It is where two people are not together and they can be together with other people, where as a break in my mind is where a couple evaluates their relationship? I don't know. It just makes me think, unwillingly, that you want to see other people while you are away. And if thats the case maybe, we shouldn't be together. As hard as that is to say (here comes the tears). I don't want to be second choice, I want to be your first and only choice. And if I am not that then, I don't know. You're making me crazy and love is supposed to do that...I love you...

Im a horrible person. Im just like my parents as hard as I have tried to not let that happen I feel like it has. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im fucked up. I love you.