Daily Diary 90

I am fucked up. I have just now realized the extent of what my mother has done to me...I am broken. I feel so cut off from the people I care about most. I feel like I am in a whole different world, outed by the small matter of alcohol. God I don't even know what I really want to say. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just didn't, I didn't feel closer on the subject. My best friend, my boyfriend...I feel so distant from them in this way. They have both drank before and I haven't. I want to try drinking, but I am scared about becoming my mother. I am also stubborn as hell and I don't want to just for the fact that I want to prove to people that I am true to my word. The words that I have lived by for so many years now. I don't want to drink, but I feel so...not in the loop and its honestly driving me crazy. I know this seems like I am trying to fit in but it isn't that. Well maybe it is, I don't know but I just...I just don't know. I feel like banging my head against a wall until I have figured it out. I am so angry and annoyed and I don't know. I can't keep getting angry just because someone I love drinks. And this is where I think the physiological effect of what my mother has had on me comes in. Not only and I freaked out about becoming like her, I can't stand the people I love doing something so stupid. Even though they probably won't abuse it. I just...I don't know...my mom explained it to me today that I just want to protect them but I don't know if thats really what I want to do. I think on some level that is true but I think its also the fact that I want to drag them over to where I am. Someone who is too stubborn to try it, to angry, to damn scared to even explore. I want them to be with me where they don't drink. But that won't happen. I can't keep getting angry with people just because they make those choices. I can't keep feeling uncomfortable when someone talks about drinking or being around someone when they are. I just feel so out of place, like I am so far away from everyone. I want to be able to be around them, enjoy a moment, be a normal college student who drinks before they are supposed to. That might just be a fantasy of mine that I concocted in my head but god. I don't know what to think, I feel like my head is so screwed up that I keep having this battle within my self over this issue.

I don't want to be my mom, I don't want to abuse it, I don't even like it but then I think well you have never really tried it. But then I think again well you hate the smell of a lot of different alcohol so why would you like it. My mom suggested something to try and I don't know I guess it sounds okay, and I told her we could try it, not that she would be the one to drink. She would buy it for me to try in the safety of my own home. But is that what I want. I am just so conflicted and angry and I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be upset with people I care about because of something so stupid. This is why I think I need help. Like professional mental help because I feel so messed up...so out there that I get angry with people just because they chose to do something they like. I have no right and ugh this is a point where I just want to go to sleep and just not wake up until all my problems are solved. Sounds morbid but what can I say.

I am having a really hard time with this and I wish I wasn't.