Daily Diary 101

Dear Mom,

Here I am waiting by my window for you to come home. I have done this too many times that I have lost count, and to be honest I don't want to know that number. Once again you have fucked up and here I am cleaning the mess ion which you have made. I shouldn't do it, I really shouldn't but here I am helping you out once again. How many times are you going to put me through this? I know I can leave and not help you, but you are my mom and I just can't. I can't just leave you out to be slaughtered by the people who want to see you fail. I doth care how many time someone has said that he has been there way more than I ever have. He has done more damage to you then I ever have done, and I cleaned up every mess that he and you both have created. I don't understand why you keep doing this, I understand that it is a sickness but it just seems like you do no twang to be helped at all. Because you keep doing this again and again and again and even when we confront you on how much it is hurting everyone around you and how much damage you are doing to your self...you don't seem to want to do anything to help, because you don't want the help. That may not be true, I don't know but it just seems like you don't want any help and it is so annoying and so heart wrenching not to see you want help. You are killing yourself. Is that what you want? To die? Because that is surely coming soon? Do you want to go to jail? Because you driving around drunk is getting fucking ridiculous! You are either going to be picked up by the cops, you are going to hurt another family by killing someone or you are going to kill yourself. This has gone on far to long and it has to end. I don't even want to come home anymore because of all this fucking shit you are pulling. You cannot keep asking Uncle Paul to come get me because you are too drunk to come get me. And during those times I needed you, my mother, not the drunk fuck you were during my time of need. How many more things can you ruin for me. It's so embarrassing, this is why I hate being home, and why I hate coming home. I don't want to have to deal with this shit, like I have done for years now. And to put icing on top of that cake you are ruining Kyle's school life! He does not deserve to go through what I did. Do not give him bad memories of you, I beg you. You can't keep doing this because you are either going to kill yourself, get yourself thrown in jail, have your visiting rights to Kyle torn away along with your home being taken or you are going to lose your entire family. I cannot keep doing this mom, I just can't. I am at my wits end, and all you and the rest of the family does to me is make me so stressed that my mind gets all fucked up and hazy again. I refuse to go back to how I was in high school. I will not go through that again and if that means cutting all of you off I will, I already hate coming back and it is very easy for me to go elsewhere. This family has been something crazy for me for years now, I haven't felt very family like at all with you guys for a long time now. I have felt like the actors at my school were my family, i felt like the Bobinski's were my family. My groups of non-blood related friends have been more family like then what you guys have provided me. Harsh but true, I do have moments where I see we could have had an awesome family life if dad wasn't so crazy and you weren't an alcoholic and Kyle wasn't this angry kid and I wasn't so fucked up in the head. There have been so many things that I wish I could have done in high school, hang out really ate with my friends, stay out past curfew, drink at parties and get into trouble with you and dad. But I couldn't do that instead I was out worrying about your, taking care of Kyle, trying to calm dad down from his rages, trying to find you in the middle of the night. I didn't have a normal childhood, you and your drinking fumed me out of that one. And dads mind games fucked my head up. Between you two I stood no chance, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know who to trust or where to go. You guys wore me down until I was nothing and all I had were my friends and my blog. That is why I never talked to you guys a lot! Thats why I got so attacked to my Fandoms and my books because they were something that I could latch onto, something that I could lose myself in, something that I could pretend I was apart of to not notice my reality. They brought new friends, new family members and people that I could pretend where always there for me. I don't know how to explain it but that was that. It is also why I want a tattoo of three ravens, one for each of the family members I lost. I feel like I have lost you guys, You to the bottle, dad to himself, and Kyle to the anger and shit welling up inside of him because of you both. I have tried so hard to change you guys, to help you all, I have tried to make things better for not only me but for everyone in this fucking family but it doesn't  work, none of it has worked. and I am running out of options here. I am ready to leave it all behind because I will not have you both dragging me down while I am trying to build my new life up. I need you in my life mom but if I have to I will cut you out of my life. I will always be there for Kyle but I will leave everyone else behind.