Daily Diary 108

I hate my self. I have never felt so useless, and so lost. I take one step forward only to take ten back. I think something good is going to happen and I am just let down every time. I keep thinking well if only I had started doing something about it before hand would things be different. And the answer I keep coming up with is... yes. And now I just feel empty. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't have any idea of what I am truly interested in. The only thing I wanted, my goal is now not attainable. And The one source of comfort I had is not there anymore. Im not in "good standing," what ever that means in their eyes. This whole semester I have been so bogged down, stuck in my depression and I know it should be easy to just get rid of, or just be happy but its really hard. And every time I think its getting better I get hit with something that pushes me back into the water. That sounds stupid but I just have no idea what to even do anymore. I thought I had all of this stuff figured out in high school. I did have it sorted out but this is new. This is the real world, and unfortunately Im just not cut out for it.

Its my twenty first birthday tomorrow. April 10. I don't really feel like celebrating anymore. I just don't see the point. I didn't from the begging but my friend talked me into going out. But now I just don't even want to. I don't want to see anyone. Im embarrassed, Im angry, Im sad. I had this whole preparation day, I did my nails, did a face mask, made sure my hair was silky and shinny. And here I am, crying, tying away trying to sort my feelings. My eyes red and raw, my nose swollen, nails unpainted and don't get me started on my hair. That seems trivial, but I did all this work because I was so excited and I wanted to look beautiful but I just took off the paint and glamour and I saw who I am, who Ive been for the past few months and didn't want to acknowledge.

I dont even know where this is going anymore. The one person I wanted here left me to go out somewhere. I pushed him away and Im an idiot. And I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to ruin his happiness. But I just want someone to hold me and tell me its alright. And to make me feel a little bit better.


"We live in a kingdom of bullshit," and you can't change it because you get swatted down like a fly.
"Its like this is all a game, and I haven't been told what the rules are."