Dairy # 5

Pain. That is all I feel. This is no ordinary pain that one would feel getting hurt or having just gotten broken up with. No. This pain is far worse and I am being consumed by it every second. The gnawing feeling in my stomach, the rough feeling in the back of my throat, the constant rushing of thoughts in my head. My heart heavy with the feeling of dread, anxiety, disappointment, hate, anger, betrayal, loneliness...all weighing me down to the depths of darkness. The loss of sleep, no communication, nothing...everything completely cut off. Life around me has stopped, everything at a stand still. Nothing feels real, nothing is real and and if it is I have no idea of it not even an inkling. Real or not real. Reality or not reality. Real life or dream. The tears held back, the pain hidden, the memories fresh. The pain is too unbearable to deal with, sometimes the though of leaving comes up, for a little while, for a long while, forever. I do not wish this pain on anyone, nor do I doubt this has not happened to some. The old memories surface along with the new one and bring longing along with insufferable loneliness and sadness with it. Everything we did together, movies watched, late nights spent talking about our problems about boys about anything possible, doing normal things together like shopping...I feel dead, I feel void of everything, i feel nothing... You lied and stabbed me in the back repeatedly while the other continued to lead on the hull of lies that had been created already. Pain. That is all I feel.