Daily diary 11

The sleepless nights, the tired days...the yelling the screaming the lying the cheating... The game is playing, the rounds are shorting, it's coming to an end. But it's not even close... The war is not yet over it's still just beginning, the facts are evident they tell that everything under the picture perfect family is on thin ice and it's cracking, breaking, snapping. Under the pressure of the lies,the games, the fighting, the confusion, the hurt, the pain...everything. It's going to crack and I hope I'm not there to see it do so.

Daily diary #10

I feel alone, isolated, lost...gone. I don't know where I am anymore, here,there, anywhere, everywhere...no where. It doesn't make sense. What is happening here,I can't grasp it,I won't grasp it, I don't want to grasp it. All at the same time I want to make sense of it, I want to understand why. He is a complete ass,but gets away with making her look crazy, making me look crazy. I hate him. I hate him, I hate him,I hate him, but at the same time I can't. I can't because he is an important part of my life, so it makes it hard to make decisions. Although I have to make the tough decisions because who else will make them, who else will get control of the situation, who else will take the monster down. It has to be me.

Daily diary 9

I don't know what to believe anymore. Hearing your cries of pleasure then hearing your cries of pain and sadness confuses me. It does not make sense, I understand one thing and then the next it is different. Maybe I'm to young to understand it, maybe I'm to naive, maybe I'm to innocent, maybe I'm just to smart looking over what is there. I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm just better of believing no one , trusting no one, just keep to myself.

Daily diary 8.5

I'm the girl who puts up fake smiles at times. I'm the girl who goes home hoping not to see a repeat of last time. I'm the girl who can only be strong for a certain amount of time. I'm the girl that will eventually snap. I'm the girl who ends up clutching the bible,wishing, wanting for it to turn out right. I'm the girl who cries at the window watching to see if she has come home yet. I'm the girl who is pretending to be happy with him around. I'm the girl who is always super worried. I'm the girl who listens for the sound of cars coming down the street. I'm the girl who rushes to the window to be disappointed. I'm the girl...

Daily diary #8

You think your life is so bad...you complain about homework,about your job, about the little things that may go wrong. But you have not seen what happens here, where I reside...in my sorrows, my sadness, my life. In someways it sucks, an when I think thing are going to get better they get worse. I can not go on living my life the way it is now. The lies I tell, the front I put up, the pretending I do...it's a lot and I handle it. But with you not by my side, with you falling behind as I try to move forward. It's beginning to be hard. With out you standing here with me constantly, strong,willing, and ready to go with anything. It's getting harder and harder and as the days go on I sound like a depressed little girl who everyone "needs" to help, who everyone "needs" to fix, who everyone "needs" to know what's wrong to have the latest news. I'm fine but what about you? What about me? What about him? What about them? Do you not care enough to try harder, to try to stay away from the stuff that makes you weak...don't you try to help your self? You're ever so slowly killing your self, mentally and physically...you're killing the people around you...friends and family the people who care. But obviously you don't believe it..you let the monster who torments us get through your skin,through your armor, through the many cracks it has...you let the monster get what he wants, what he craves for...your demise, your pain, your anger, your sadness...he does this purposefully...to get this reaction...to get what he wants...and I don't know when you will realize it but when you do you will be free...free of everything, the pain,the sadness,the hurt..everything...

You will be free.

Daily diary #7

We're all hypocrites...we say one thing and do another. We want opinions and when they're given we say they are wrong and that it's not the right answer. An opinion contradicted by another opinion, it makes no sense. It makes you ignorant and made to look like a fool. It is all wrong in a sense, so when this happens just walk away because it's not worth it.

Daily Diary #6

The hours tick by moving to quickly for me yet to slow...the doom that I hold coming closer and closer. I just want to disappear to never come back. The feeling of pain, sorrow, grief, heart ache is present now and will stay for a long while, never truly going to leave. The feelings have been present for a long while now, and knowing what I have to do tomorrow is not helping much. I feel terrible, me...I am terrible as I just realize that now. I have so much going on inside, the swirls of confusion spiraling out of control in my mind. It feels cloudy, it feels not real, it feels like Im in a dream. Like I am not in reality. I do not want to do this, no but what I am feeling now is not good for me! Or is this just me trying to make peace with myself by saying that. His heart will be broken, but the things that I am going through is to much of a burden to keep carrying that along with a relationship. I feel like we are just drifting through space, not talking, not touching, not doing much of anything. We do not talk, we do not touch and we most defiantly do not do anything. What we are is not a boyfriend - girlfriend relationship...what we are is friends...friends with benefits if you'd like because friends do not kiss. No. They do not do that...but even friends touch more, talk more, do more than we had ever done in the three months and two weeks we have been together. I can not do this anymore. I just can not. I am so sorry, you are one of my best friends turned into something more...but in reality we were always just friends with a different title...