Daily Diary 101

Dear Mom,

Here I am waiting by my window for you to come home. I have done this too many times that I have lost count, and to be honest I don't want to know that number. Once again you have fucked up and here I am cleaning the mess ion which you have made. I shouldn't do it, I really shouldn't but here I am helping you out once again. How many times are you going to put me through this? I know I can leave and not help you, but you are my mom and I just can't. I can't just leave you out to be slaughtered by the people who want to see you fail. I doth care how many time someone has said that he has been there way more than I ever have. He has done more damage to you then I ever have done, and I cleaned up every mess that he and you both have created. I don't understand why you keep doing this, I understand that it is a sickness but it just seems like you do no twang to be helped at all. Because you keep doing this again and again and again and even when we confront you on how much it is hurting everyone around you and how much damage you are doing to your self...you don't seem to want to do anything to help, because you don't want the help. That may not be true, I don't know but it just seems like you don't want any help and it is so annoying and so heart wrenching not to see you want help. You are killing yourself. Is that what you want? To die? Because that is surely coming soon? Do you want to go to jail? Because you driving around drunk is getting fucking ridiculous! You are either going to be picked up by the cops, you are going to hurt another family by killing someone or you are going to kill yourself. This has gone on far to long and it has to end. I don't even want to come home anymore because of all this fucking shit you are pulling. You cannot keep asking Uncle Paul to come get me because you are too drunk to come get me. And during those times I needed you, my mother, not the drunk fuck you were during my time of need. How many more things can you ruin for me. It's so embarrassing, this is why I hate being home, and why I hate coming home. I don't want to have to deal with this shit, like I have done for years now. And to put icing on top of that cake you are ruining Kyle's school life! He does not deserve to go through what I did. Do not give him bad memories of you, I beg you. You can't keep doing this because you are either going to kill yourself, get yourself thrown in jail, have your visiting rights to Kyle torn away along with your home being taken or you are going to lose your entire family. I cannot keep doing this mom, I just can't. I am at my wits end, and all you and the rest of the family does to me is make me so stressed that my mind gets all fucked up and hazy again. I refuse to go back to how I was in high school. I will not go through that again and if that means cutting all of you off I will, I already hate coming back and it is very easy for me to go elsewhere. This family has been something crazy for me for years now, I haven't felt very family like at all with you guys for a long time now. I have felt like the actors at my school were my family, i felt like the Bobinski's were my family. My groups of non-blood related friends have been more family like then what you guys have provided me. Harsh but true, I do have moments where I see we could have had an awesome family life if dad wasn't so crazy and you weren't an alcoholic and Kyle wasn't this angry kid and I wasn't so fucked up in the head. There have been so many things that I wish I could have done in high school, hang out really ate with my friends, stay out past curfew, drink at parties and get into trouble with you and dad. But I couldn't do that instead I was out worrying about your, taking care of Kyle, trying to calm dad down from his rages, trying to find you in the middle of the night. I didn't have a normal childhood, you and your drinking fumed me out of that one. And dads mind games fucked my head up. Between you two I stood no chance, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know who to trust or where to go. You guys wore me down until I was nothing and all I had were my friends and my blog. That is why I never talked to you guys a lot! Thats why I got so attacked to my Fandoms and my books because they were something that I could latch onto, something that I could lose myself in, something that I could pretend I was apart of to not notice my reality. They brought new friends, new family members and people that I could pretend where always there for me. I don't know how to explain it but that was that. It is also why I want a tattoo of three ravens, one for each of the family members I lost. I feel like I have lost you guys, You to the bottle, dad to himself, and Kyle to the anger and shit welling up inside of him because of you both. I have tried so hard to change you guys, to help you all, I have tried to make things better for not only me but for everyone in this fucking family but it doesn't  work, none of it has worked. and I am running out of options here. I am ready to leave it all behind because I will not have you both dragging me down while I am trying to build my new life up. I need you in my life mom but if I have to I will cut you out of my life. I will always be there for Kyle but I will leave everyone else behind.

Daily Diary 100

The room is dimly lit, the only real light coming from the opening in the blinds. We lie in bed facing each other, staring at one another. Our legs tangled together; your arms wrapped around me to shelter me from the coldness of the room. The feel of your skin is like fire, igniting its way through my body. Your eyes taking in the features of my face, while my finger traces patterns on your cheek. I smile at you. I can feel my eyes squinting in a weird way, like they usually do. You smile back at me. Your nose crinkles up a little bit. We stay like that. In that moment nothing can touch us. We just are. We are vulnerable. We are just us...and in that moment I know how I feel about you. It swells in my chest, and the butterflies in my stomach start to go. My heart beats faster and my cheeks flush a bit darker. In that moment I am happy.

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This is one of my favorite memories. One that I will keep with me forever. It is what love felt like for me at that moment. A raw, pure emotion that I now fully realize. 

Daily Diary 99

Tell me if you ever cared.
Tell me if you have even thought about me since we parted.
Tell me if you think about things I once said.
Tell me if you think about things I once did.
Tell me if you see things that remind you of me.
Tell me if you think of things you want to tell me.
Tell me if you are hurt.
Tell me if you even loved me.

Daily Diary 98

I once heard this story about leaves, like the leaves on a tree. I don't exactly remember where I heard this from but it stuck in the back of my mind. "When a leaf passes in front of you, it means someone, somewhere is thinking about you." I like that thought, that someone, out in the world is thinking about you...and some how the planet is trying to tell you that you are being thought of.

Recently, each time a leaf passes by me, I like to think you are thinking about me. It probably isn't true, it could be someone else or no one at all. This could all false. It most likely is false but I like to hope that the story is somewhat true.

Daily Diary 97

There is something inherently beautiful about the words I love you. I know it is said all the time, and it is thrown around like leaves in the wind but those words are so raw to me. The words I love you...I know I throw them around sometimes but I don't say them to people without meaning it. To me there are different types of love. The love of a friend, the love of a family member, the love of something you do...all different kinds of love. "I love you" to me is something sacred...yes...and I do throw it around but when I say it to someone, face to face, in a serious situation... I mean it. I, in that moment, am vulnerable. I trust who ever that person is with my heart, my soul, and my feelings. They are the person I like to spend my days with. Someone I want to spend every moment with. They make me happy and its natural to be with them. Love is crazy...it makes you go mad.

Edwin Bodney - "When a Boy Tells You He Loves You"

I love this.

Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.