Daily Diary 100

The room is dimly lit, the only real light coming from the opening in the blinds. We lie in bed facing each other, staring at one another. Our legs tangled together; your arms wrapped around me to shelter me from the coldness of the room. The feel of your skin is like fire, igniting its way through my body. Your eyes taking in the features of my face, while my finger traces patterns on your cheek. I smile at you. I can feel my eyes squinting in a weird way, like they usually do. You smile back at me. Your nose crinkles up a little bit. We stay like that. In that moment nothing can touch us. We just are. We are vulnerable. We are just us...and in that moment I know how I feel about you. It swells in my chest, and the butterflies in my stomach start to go. My heart beats faster and my cheeks flush a bit darker. In that moment I am happy.

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This is one of my favorite memories. One that I will keep with me forever. It is what love felt like for me at that moment. A raw, pure emotion that I now fully realize. 

Daily Diary 99

Tell me if you ever cared.
Tell me if you have even thought about me since we parted.
Tell me if you think about things I once said.
Tell me if you think about things I once did.
Tell me if you see things that remind you of me.
Tell me if you think of things you want to tell me.
Tell me if you are hurt.
Tell me if you even loved me.

Daily Diary 98

I once heard this story about leaves, like the leaves on a tree. I don't exactly remember where I heard this from but it stuck in the back of my mind. "When a leaf passes in front of you, it means someone, somewhere is thinking about you." I like that thought, that someone, out in the world is thinking about you...and some how the planet is trying to tell you that you are being thought of.

Recently, each time a leaf passes by me, I like to think you are thinking about me. It probably isn't true, it could be someone else or no one at all. This could all false. It most likely is false but I like to hope that the story is somewhat true.

Daily Diary 97

There is something inherently beautiful about the words I love you. I know it is said all the time, and it is thrown around like leaves in the wind but those words are so raw to me. The words I love you...I know I throw them around sometimes but I don't say them to people without meaning it. To me there are different types of love. The love of a friend, the love of a family member, the love of something you do...all different kinds of love. "I love you" to me is something sacred...yes...and I do throw it around but when I say it to someone, face to face, in a serious situation... I mean it. I, in that moment, am vulnerable. I trust who ever that person is with my heart, my soul, and my feelings. They are the person I like to spend my days with. Someone I want to spend every moment with. They make me happy and its natural to be with them. Love is crazy...it makes you go mad.

Edwin Bodney - "When a Boy Tells You He Loves You"

I love this.

Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.

Daily Diary 95

There is his poem that I have fallen in love with, and recently that is all I can listen to. It doesn't necessarily apply to anything but then again it does.

As I stand on this street corner and watch these two roads meet i suddenly feel at peace

Maybe it's because at my feet lies the intersection of two distinct paths merging at a point of vulnerability

Maybe because it's a reminder of you and me, and the blissful bond we once shared

Without a care in the world, my arms wrapped around you to shelter you from the cold

Two souls kept warm by each others company

Two hearts dancing in the rain playfully

Two minds with the same thing in mind, you want me to be yours and i want you to me mine

I don't know maybe i'm crazy

Maybe time has finally out played me

Maybe i've stopped seeing beauty in the little things

Maybe i've stopped appreciating the gift life brings

Maybe i'm in over my head,

Or maybe i just miss the familiar contours of your body under the chalk white sheets of my bed

I don’t know, maybe this is normal

Maybe i stopped being myself after you left,

Maybe this is all a test

Maybe i failed and i couldn't clean up the mess

Maybe that's why the rain suddenly feels colder on my skin

Maybe that's why whenever i try to apologize i don’t know where to begin or where to end all these things that i typed up in my mind and i wanna tell you but i just can't bring myself to hit "send".

Maybe i fucked up and i won't admit it

Maybe i'm a coward

Seems like i've got all the time in the world maybe i should do something about it

I mean, every minute feels like an hour

Maybe i'm a fool for distancing myself from you

Maybe that’s why i couldn't admit i loved you

Because for some reason i couldn't accept that maybe,

just maybe,

You might have loved me too.

I know we aren’t together anymore. I feel like people don't realize what they had until it is gone. You became such a constant in my life, someone that I would go to for anything that was bothering me. Someone I would go to for anything that made me happy. You were the person I first thought about in the morning and the last person I thought about at night. You are the person who consumes my thoughts. I see things now and I think of you, because everything reminds me of you. I want to share every bit of my day with you and I want to tell you about the weird thing I did. I want to tell you all about the embarrassing moments. I want to tell you the stupid things I said. I want to share everything with you but I can't. I can't do that anymore because we aren't together. You might be thinking, but we’re friends. That's the thing though...I don't think I can be friends with you. I love you too much, which might seem crazy but you made me fall for you fast. I can't look at you as a friend without wanting you. And gosh I want to be friends with you but I don't want to become annoying to you. I don't want you to think that I am crazy for texting you so often. I don't want you to think that I’m still in the mindset that we are still dating, because I know we aren't...but I still want there to be an us. But you don't want that. I don't think you will ever want that again. And I don't know if you stopped feeling the way I feel for you, but I hope not. But the probability of that is so slim...and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel so bad that you have to tiptoe around my feelings. I am just so confused. I don't understand how things can go from one place to now. How can you go from loving someone to not wanting to be with them. Was any of this real?