Daily Diary 67

The sun is dipping low in the sky, mixing with pinks and purples and oranges. The different shades of blue are bleeding through the bright colors. The stars are coming out, shining brightly. The moon is switching places with the sun. My eyes vacantly stare out the window, witnessing the change. There is a high pitch ringing in my ears, this eerie sound ringing and ringing and ringing. My head is heavy, foggy, dark. I can't really think straight. I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm just going through the motions. Wandering around, not really knowing what I'm doing. I can't stop thinking about everything. There is so much pressure on my shoulders, that I feel like I am going to collapse, under the weight of the world. I have to do so much for colleges. I have to do so much for school. I have to do so much for my family. I have to do so much for my friends. I have to do so much for myself. But the reality of all of it is that I can't do all of this on my own, and thats all I've got...is myself. I feel like my friends aren't really there, I mean I can't expect them to be, they have their own things to worry about. My parents aren't there. One is always so busy and is a walking fuse. The other, she's not there...she's gone, I have lost her. I have lost her, and I don't think she is coming back. I can't ask my brother for help, he wouldn't understand. I can't talk to my grandparents because they're to far away and they too would not understand what is happening to me. I don't even now what is happening to me. What is happening to me? 

Daily Diary 66

Here I am. In the dimming twilight, streaming through my windows. Getting dressed in a daze. How much more can I go through before everything gets better. How much more are you going to put me through until everything works out alright. When am I going to feel content, and safe and happy. When am I going to feel better and not like Im going to have my heart ripped out?

Daily Diary 65

It's been a while, so I guess you could say that everything has been going pretty well but it's going down hill again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. My best friend(well pretty much my sister) is angry with me,or at least it seems that way and is acting different. I don't know what to do or why she is even upset with me. I might fancy a boy who I'm not even sure likes girls! He said so but who the hell know anymore, all my life my relationships have turned out bad. My mother is drinking again and my friends have started to slip through my fingers. And I honestly I have no idea what I'm even writing because I feel so...so cluttered and disoriented in my head that I don't know what to feel. I just know that I feel alone...very very alone.

Daily Diary 64

I lied to her, my bestfriend. I was so worried about her that I have information to her mother. Her mom! God I feel terrible. Did I do the right thing...I don't know. I just don't want to be the fault of her getting into deep trouble because of me...

Daily Diary 63

Here a hole that fits mine, the moment I saw you I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being...close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling...happiness. I used to be able to when I was strong, but now I'm weak and I can't, I can't. I went crazy when I was with you, I can't let that happen again. Loves not supposed to do that, you made me go mad. You're making me go mad even now, and it hurts that you are out of reach. I can't have you, no one can have you but her. Deep down I like to think you still like me, still care for me, and a part of me thinks it's true. I honestly think you like me but you're confused. Confused if you like her more than you like me, or the other way around. I don't know what you're thinking, I wish I knew. I want you so badly, but I can't have you and it hurts everyday that I have to see you with her. She hates me I'm sure. I don't blame her. What do I do, should I tell you straight up that I don't like you being with her...would that make a difference? Sometimes...I wish I could be like Effy Stonem, although she, as a character, closely resembles me, personality wise, but she handles her self much better than I ever could. She also didn't know what to do with her feelings, I don't think she realized she loved Freddie until it was like right there in her face, that extreme feeling while watching him with someone else. I think that what is happening with me now. I just still don't know if I love you or not. How the hell do I even tell something like that? She also screws a lot up, which I do quite often so...we're a like. She did not know what to do and I don't know either...I just wish...just wish things could be different.

Daily Diary 62

You lead a life full of adventure, hope, sorrow...love and each moment is a memory that makes up your life. Each memory is different, has a thought, an emotion. They make you who you are, they shape te way we live today, tomorrow and everyday after.

Daily diary 61

Do I love him? I don't know!? I'm going crazy, how did you know when you love someone. I'm so confused...help? I'm not going to get it though, because no one knows...I'm not sure if I even know. All that I do know is that I want to be with him all the time, make him smile and laugh, I want to know everything about him, I want him to come to me with his problems and doubts...is this love?