Edwin Bodney - "When a Boy Tells You He Loves You"

I love this.

Daily Diary 96

I know its over. I have to keep telling myself that every time I think of you...but everywhere I look I keep seeing things that remind me of you. The grass in my front yard, the sun streaming through the windows, a song on the radio, a picture on Facebook...everything keeps reminding me of you and all I want to do is share it with you, but again, I can't share it with you because we aren't together. Today my mum decided to do something stupid, and the first person I wanted to call was you. Not my best friend, not my father or my grandparents you. I needed to hear your voice, telling me how everything was going to be okay and how I was probably over reacting. I just needed you. But you weren't there. I had to tell myself that you didn't want what we had. I had to tell myself that something changed and that we are over. But somethings wrong with me and I can't seem to grasp it...I still have questions that I want to ask but can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't get the courage to text you, or call you. So I just write them out to nobody, because no one reads my blog...I just can't grasp my head around the fact that everything that happened between us lead to us being nothing. I just can't grasp how you can love someone and then not want them? Or did you not love me at all? I know I must sound bitter, maybe I am...but to be honest I don't think its that...I just think that I am so upset right now that I seem like that. I just want to know what happened. I want to know if you really cared for me. I want to know if you moved on. I want to know if you have once thought about me. I want to know if you even remotely regret leaving me. And it is because of all of this that I also don't think I can be your friend...at least right now...because I still like you so much and god I love you. And that might see absolutely crazy and it probably is. We hardly know each other. Believe me I know, it is actually freaking me out. How I feel for you is genuine. Its like how I love my best friend, like how I love my family except on some other kind of scale where I would do anything for you, be anything for you (even if it hurt me). I know I said I would do what ever made you happy and I will stay true to that but I will still be hurting.

Daily Diary 95

There is his poem that I have fallen in love with, and recently that is all I can listen to. It doesn't necessarily apply to anything but then again it does.

As I stand on this street corner and watch these two roads meet i suddenly feel at peace

Maybe it's because at my feet lies the intersection of two distinct paths merging at a point of vulnerability

Maybe because it's a reminder of you and me, and the blissful bond we once shared

Without a care in the world, my arms wrapped around you to shelter you from the cold

Two souls kept warm by each others company

Two hearts dancing in the rain playfully

Two minds with the same thing in mind, you want me to be yours and i want you to me mine

I don't know maybe i'm crazy

Maybe time has finally out played me

Maybe i've stopped seeing beauty in the little things

Maybe i've stopped appreciating the gift life brings

Maybe i'm in over my head,

Or maybe i just miss the familiar contours of your body under the chalk white sheets of my bed

I don’t know, maybe this is normal

Maybe i stopped being myself after you left,

Maybe this is all a test

Maybe i failed and i couldn't clean up the mess

Maybe that's why the rain suddenly feels colder on my skin

Maybe that's why whenever i try to apologize i don’t know where to begin or where to end all these things that i typed up in my mind and i wanna tell you but i just can't bring myself to hit "send".

Maybe i fucked up and i won't admit it

Maybe i'm a coward

Seems like i've got all the time in the world maybe i should do something about it

I mean, every minute feels like an hour

Maybe i'm a fool for distancing myself from you

Maybe that’s why i couldn't admit i loved you

Because for some reason i couldn't accept that maybe,

just maybe,

You might have loved me too.

I know we aren’t together anymore. I feel like people don't realize what they had until it is gone. You became such a constant in my life, someone that I would go to for anything that was bothering me. Someone I would go to for anything that made me happy. You were the person I first thought about in the morning and the last person I thought about at night. You are the person who consumes my thoughts. I see things now and I think of you, because everything reminds me of you. I want to share every bit of my day with you and I want to tell you about the weird thing I did. I want to tell you all about the embarrassing moments. I want to tell you the stupid things I said. I want to share everything with you but I can't. I can't do that anymore because we aren't together. You might be thinking, but we’re friends. That's the thing though...I don't think I can be friends with you. I love you too much, which might seem crazy but you made me fall for you fast. I can't look at you as a friend without wanting you. And gosh I want to be friends with you but I don't want to become annoying to you. I don't want you to think that I am crazy for texting you so often. I don't want you to think that I’m still in the mindset that we are still dating, because I know we aren't...but I still want there to be an us. But you don't want that. I don't think you will ever want that again. And I don't know if you stopped feeling the way I feel for you, but I hope not. But the probability of that is so slim...and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel so bad that you have to tiptoe around my feelings. I am just so confused. I don't understand how things can go from one place to now. How can you go from loving someone to not wanting to be with them. Was any of this real?

Daily Diary 94

I didn't realize how important you became to me... It's like a snowstorm, where you see the flakes falling but you don't really realize how much is on the ground until it too late. It is just a blanket of white. All the little things add up and become precious memories. But one day the sun comes out and they all melt away.

Jeez how morbid. lol...

Daily Diary 93

I feel like I am questioning everything now. Did you really like me? Did I mean anything to you? Did you really love me? Was it something I made up in my head? Did you just feel bad for me? Was it something you did just for the time you were here? Did you move on already? Does this even hurt for you? Do you feel any of this pain? Are you okay? Why? Maybe I was just so stupid that I miss read everything, and had this big expectation about us. Maybe I was stupid and didn't realize that you didn't really want this. And because of that I now feel numb...heartbroken. Why would you tell me that you love me if you don't mean it? Don't tell me something like that because I'll do something stupid like believe it. I fell in love with you, I fell hard and now I have to pick up the pieces. And the crazy thing is that I still love you! I want to be angry with you and upset and I want to hate you but I just can't. I can't get mad at you. I can't hate you. And I am beating myself up over the fact that I still miss you and that all I want right now is you, but I can't have you because you're not mine. I'm just sad. And just because we are not together doesn't mean I won't love you. God you were...ugh I don't know. I just don't even know how to really put my thoughts into words right now. But thank you for loving me and giving me the we had together.

Daily Diary 92

I fucked up and I hate myself for it. I don't even really know what happened during that talk. But I think its clear that you don't feel the same way I do. I knew it would happen but I didn't take the warning because I want to be with you. I just don't know anymore I wish that...idk.

Daily Diary 91

I don't really know how to approach this, but it is just something else that has been bothering me for a while. It really shouldn't but it kind of does and I really hate that it does. I hate even trying to type it but I know that it will make me feel a little bit better to put it out there. I hate feeling like I have to compete with them. I know I don't have to but I feel like I always am. I feel like you are always with them, always texting them and god I sound like some psycho but I am not trying to. I tried so hard to stop my self form thinking that way but I just feel like I am second to them. I don't drink, I get super moody all the time, I am not smart what so ever, I like super weird things. I feel like they judge me on how I act and what I do. I am probably just paranoid but...I don't know...I just feel like you don't want to be around me or text me as much as you want to be around them..? I don't know I'm just crazy, I think I have finally realized that...I wish I was actually crazy. Not really but sometimes I do. I just, sometimes wish I didn't have to feel like that, I wish I didn't feel like that at all. Because I realize that they are your friends and I whole heartedly support that I just feel like 98 percent of the time I am just not included. I don't know what I'm typing anymore. Sorry.