Daily Diary 90

I am fucked up. I have just now realized the extent of what my mother has done to me...I am broken. I feel so cut off from the people I care about most. I feel like I am in a whole different world, outed by the small matter of alcohol. God I don't even know what I really want to say. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just didn't, I didn't feel closer on the subject. My best friend, my boyfriend...I feel so distant from them in this way. They have both drank before and I haven't. I want to try drinking, but I am scared about becoming my mother. I am also stubborn as hell and I don't want to just for the fact that I want to prove to people that I am true to my word. The words that I have lived by for so many years now. I don't want to drink, but I feel so...not in the loop and its honestly driving me crazy. I know this seems like I am trying to fit in but it isn't that. Well maybe it is, I don't know but I just...I just don't know. I feel like banging my head against a wall until I have figured it out. I am so angry and annoyed and I don't know. I can't keep getting angry just because someone I love drinks. And this is where I think the physiological effect of what my mother has had on me comes in. Not only and I freaked out about becoming like her, I can't stand the people I love doing something so stupid. Even though they probably won't abuse it. I just...I don't know...my mom explained it to me today that I just want to protect them but I don't know if thats really what I want to do. I think on some level that is true but I think its also the fact that I want to drag them over to where I am. Someone who is too stubborn to try it, to angry, to damn scared to even explore. I want them to be with me where they don't drink. But that won't happen. I can't keep getting angry with people just because they make those choices. I can't keep feeling uncomfortable when someone talks about drinking or being around someone when they are. I just feel so out of place, like I am so far away from everyone. I want to be able to be around them, enjoy a moment, be a normal college student who drinks before they are supposed to. That might just be a fantasy of mine that I concocted in my head but god. I don't know what to think, I feel like my head is so screwed up that I keep having this battle within my self over this issue.

I don't want to be my mom, I don't want to abuse it, I don't even like it but then I think well you have never really tried it. But then I think again well you hate the smell of a lot of different alcohol so why would you like it. My mom suggested something to try and I don't know I guess it sounds okay, and I told her we could try it, not that she would be the one to drink. She would buy it for me to try in the safety of my own home. But is that what I want. I am just so conflicted and angry and I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be upset with people I care about because of something so stupid. This is why I think I need help. Like professional mental help because I feel so messed up...so out there that I get angry with people just because they chose to do something they like. I have no right and ugh this is a point where I just want to go to sleep and just not wake up until all my problems are solved. Sounds morbid but what can I say.

I am having a really hard time with this and I wish I wasn't.

Daily Diary 89

Recently I just feel like we are drifting apart, when we used to be so close. I don't want to break up with you....but is that what you want? and don't just be nice to me because you feel bad. It would be worse if you did that. I want you to be honest with me. I can't take this constant upset, because thats not what this should be like between us. I know we need to talk and I know when I say that nothing comes out of my mouth but its because Im nervous and I don't always know what to say and sometimes my thoughts get so mixed up in my head. I want to be with you so badly but I feel like maybe thats not exactly what you want anymore? I don't know. I just hate crying and God I am crying because I am afraid of losing you. So its not really a bad thing...

I'm sorry I am making this a mess, I am just trying to figure all of this out as well. I want to be with you when you go away, but I can kind of see where you are coming from. We should see how we fair with us being so far apart, but is that enough for us to break up? What about a break, isn't that totally different than a break up? A break up is totally different in my mind. It is where two people are not together and they can be together with other people, where as a break in my mind is where a couple evaluates their relationship? I don't know. It just makes me think, unwillingly, that you want to see other people while you are away. And if thats the case maybe, we shouldn't be together. As hard as that is to say (here comes the tears). I don't want to be second choice, I want to be your first and only choice. And if I am not that then, I don't know. You're making me crazy and love is supposed to do that...I love you...

Im a horrible person. Im just like my parents as hard as I have tried to not let that happen I feel like it has. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im fucked up. I love you. 

Daily Diary 88

I don't know what to write. Im kind of just numb right now, like I have this hole where my heart should be. And its hot...because I am under the damn comforter. I don't know why I am so fucking emotional over this but I am I just....I don't know. I agree we should see how it works out but god we are going to break up? Not to sound like a bitch but then great we can do what ever we want because we aren't together but we can still talk great. Just what I want to do, break up but still be in love with you. I don't know maybe I am just not understanding this whole thing because that just seems so stupid, no offense. So I have to wait for the impending day where we go our separate ways just to see if long distance will work. Okay grand, so while you go off to some amazing place, and I will be here worrying about you, wondering wether or not I'll be okay. I sound selfish. Maybe I am selfish. I just fell in love with you, I am in love with you...If we were in love then we would try our hardest to make it work right? I don't know anymore. What are we doing. A break would be better than breaking up. On a break its like there are boundaries where each person doesn't try to date another person, and there still together but they aren't. Breaking up just makes it like its officially done, I knew this day would probably come and I was hopping it wouldn't knvwjfoidojoifobejvof2bevoihjboijgrf 

fuck.

Daily Diary 87

I haven't posted anything in a while...I guess because I haven't really had anything to say. I still don't think I have anything to say. Well that's a lie, I always have something to say. Where to start...? I guess with family drama first. My mums drinking again, I shouldn't be shocked honestly...because I knew it was going to happen again. I just can't fathom why she is doing this...well she can't help it, I know but it just gets frustrating after a while. It is just all of this pain and sadness that wells up inside me and makes me feel so depressed and angry and I hate it. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. I'm too emotional I think. I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken...Maybe I just have some major problems. I know I do but I don't know how to handle them. I just wish my mother would get a grip on her life and take back what is rightfully hers because I hate watching her fall deeper and deeper into the earth. 

My other issue is my wonderful boyfriend...well it isn't really an issue its just some things are kind of bothering me and before you ask...yes I will be talking about all of this stuff with him. Because I like to think we have an open and honest relationship. Now, where to start? Well I am kind of annoyed that I am ALWAYS the one to start a text conversation...and I know that shouldn't bother me but it does. But I know how crazy and insecure that makes me sound so I almost don't want to bring it up to him, but the fact is I feel like he is always texting his two other friends (this statement makes sense to me because well I'm the writer but to the right people they would know who I am talking about). I don't even need a long conversation just "Hey! How are you doing? I am a bit busy today so I can't really talk" or not even that just a simple " I hope your day is going well." 

The second thing that is sort of bothering me and I am pretty sure this is me just being paranoid but I feel like all I am good for is sexual things, because I feel like that is all we do any more. Although that is not the case it just feels like it is. And another thing, why would you hang out with your ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still into you and who you don't like to text because she's obsessive. Not only that why would you give me the choice to decide if I am okay with that or not. Obviously not...and it is not that I don't trust you! I don't trust her...and plus after what her friends said about me, and I am sure she joined in...because lets face it girls usually agree with what there friends are saying when it comes to something they don't like and when they are trying to make themselves feel better. I would know! I am a girl. On top of that I feel like you are upset with me...over what I am not completely sure...I don't even know if you are upset with me I just feel like you are.

And that is the last thing I want is you upset with me because all I want to do is make you happy...but I also want to be happy and yes I am my happiest when you are happy but it should work both ways. And if what you said to me was true and you really love me then that statement should be a main goal in our relationship...we should want to make each other happy. And it is because of that and the movie This Means War that I finally realized that I do love you. "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl." And its true I love who I am when I am with you, and I strive to be a better person. I always want to make you happy. I always want to talk to you and share moments with you. I want to hold your hand, comb my fingers through your hair and feel your body next to mine. I love to watch you talk about something you love and I love to watch you debate/argue things for forever. I love how you get that goofy smile on your face and when your nose scrunches up when I give you a weird look. I love when you look at me and I look at you and we just take each other in...I love you. 

Daily Diary 86

The suns rays come through the window, lighting up the tree outside and creating shadows on the wall. I can't really think about anything at the moment. My heads a little numb. If our talk was fine, then why do I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I feel like everything is not fine. I guess thats why I'm crying right now...I don't know...I hate feeling like this.

Daily Diary 85

He told me he loves me. Did I imagine that? Or did I really hear that. I didn't say anything...I honestly didn't know how to reply. I don't know what love is and if I'm feeling that. I know that I really really like him. I'm absolutely taken by him, and I can see us being together for a long time. But now I think I might have upset him. I don't know he's become distant with me. Although it is my fault I pressured him into saying it. I didn't think the secret thing he had to say would be that. I'm just confused and conflicted.

Daily Diary 84

When I was younger my history class used to write letters to deployed soldiers. I loved the idea of a long hand written letter and I love/support my military. I recently found the old letters from the man I used to write. I treasure them to this day because I never had done something like that before and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I should continue doing that. Writing letters to deployed troops but thats a story for another day. Today I have come to vent about whether or not I should try to send a message to this soldier. I am pretty sure I have found his Facebook profile ( I know creepy) but I would like to see how he is doing and if he remembers the little sixth grade me. I don't even know for sure if that is him but it could be worth a try. But it also borderlines creepy, right? I don't know I just feel like maybe this might be a bit too were to do. Like who really does this? Well me, because I am weird and borderline crazy but thats besides the point. I don't know what to do. I have tried contacting him once before but I never went through with it because well I thought it might be creepy then too. I don't know, I guess I will ask around and see what I should do. Hopefully no one will judge me too hard. Until next time.

xoxo