Daily Diary 69

I still like you. I thought that when you told me you didn't like me I would get over you but I can't. I still have feelings for you. The answer you gave me today was a horrible one, I'm not even sure if that was a complete answer. Just because we are going off to college soon doesn't mean we wouldn't work out. I don't know if that was you way of letting me down easy but if it wasn't and you do have feelings for me I would rather spend the remaining time we have this year, together. I don't even know how to tell you this in person. I don't want you to get annoyed with me because let's face it, I've been pretty damn annoying. Always being loud, and out there...but truth is you made me that way. You made me more outgoing, and you made me feel beautiful even when I think I look horrible. You made me comfortable wearing glasses and being myself. You make me smile and laugh all the time. You make me feel those stupid butterflies in my stomach every time you look at me. You made me a better person. So yes I still like you. I want to be with you, you make me happy. I know I sound like some stupid girl but if you like me at all I want you to take a risk and try it. Try us. And if I'm complete wrong about everything, then, well I still want to be your friend. 

Daily Diary 68

Well I promised my self I would never cry over a guy again, but here I am doing just that...I've got all this pent up emotion and I just don't know what to do I want you, from the moment I saw you I was attracted to you and I think we ought to at least give us a shot... I don't know. That's just what I think.

Daily Diary 67

The sun is dipping low in the sky, mixing with pinks and purples and oranges. The different shades of blue are bleeding through the bright colors. The stars are coming out, shining brightly. The moon is switching places with the sun. My eyes vacantly stare out the window, witnessing the change. There is a high pitch ringing in my ears, this eerie sound ringing and ringing and ringing. My head is heavy, foggy, dark. I can't really think straight. I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm just going through the motions. Wandering around, not really knowing what I'm doing. I can't stop thinking about everything. There is so much pressure on my shoulders, that I feel like I am going to collapse, under the weight of the world. I have to do so much for colleges. I have to do so much for school. I have to do so much for my family. I have to do so much for my friends. I have to do so much for myself. But the reality of all of it is that I can't do all of this on my own, and thats all I've got...is myself. I feel like my friends aren't really there, I mean I can't expect them to be, they have their own things to worry about. My parents aren't there. One is always so busy and is a walking fuse. The other, she's not there...she's gone, I have lost her. I have lost her, and I don't think she is coming back. I can't ask my brother for help, he wouldn't understand. I can't talk to my grandparents because they're to far away and they too would not understand what is happening to me. I don't even now what is happening to me. What is happening to me? 

Daily Diary 66

Here I am. In the dimming twilight, streaming through my windows. Getting dressed in a daze. How much more can I go through before everything gets better. How much more are you going to put me through until everything works out alright. When am I going to feel content, and safe and happy. When am I going to feel better and not like Im going to have my heart ripped out?

Daily Diary 65

It's been a while, so I guess you could say that everything has been going pretty well but it's going down hill again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. My best friend(well pretty much my sister) is angry with me,or at least it seems that way and is acting different. I don't know what to do or why she is even upset with me. I might fancy a boy who I'm not even sure likes girls! He said so but who the hell know anymore, all my life my relationships have turned out bad. My mother is drinking again and my friends have started to slip through my fingers. And I honestly I have no idea what I'm even writing because I feel so...so cluttered and disoriented in my head that I don't know what to feel. I just know that I feel alone...very very alone.

Daily Diary 64

I lied to her, my bestfriend. I was so worried about her that I have information to her mother. Her mom! God I feel terrible. Did I do the right thing...I don't know. I just don't want to be the fault of her getting into deep trouble because of me...

Daily Diary 63

Here a hole that fits mine, the moment I saw you I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being...close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling...happiness. I used to be able to when I was strong, but now I'm weak and I can't, I can't. I went crazy when I was with you, I can't let that happen again. Loves not supposed to do that, you made me go mad. You're making me go mad even now, and it hurts that you are out of reach. I can't have you, no one can have you but her. Deep down I like to think you still like me, still care for me, and a part of me thinks it's true. I honestly think you like me but you're confused. Confused if you like her more than you like me, or the other way around. I don't know what you're thinking, I wish I knew. I want you so badly, but I can't have you and it hurts everyday that I have to see you with her. She hates me I'm sure. I don't blame her. What do I do, should I tell you straight up that I don't like you being with her...would that make a difference? Sometimes...I wish I could be like Effy Stonem, although she, as a character, closely resembles me, personality wise, but she handles her self much better than I ever could. She also didn't know what to do with her feelings, I don't think she realized she loved Freddie until it was like right there in her face, that extreme feeling while watching him with someone else. I think that what is happening with me now. I just still don't know if I love you or not. How the hell do I even tell something like that? She also screws a lot up, which I do quite often so...we're a like. She did not know what to do and I don't know either...I just wish...just wish things could be different.