Daily Diary 57

I haven't written in a while. A long while. I guess I've just been so busy I haven't really had the time to write, or I just have been lost in thought. I'm still confused and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spinning and spinning and spinning like the tea cup ride at amusement parks. I guess it will always be like that. Though I have come to realize that, I'm okay with her taking him. As long as he's happy and she is still my good friend everything will be alright. As for anything else it's still a constant battle. This note has a much happier tone to it which, for now is good.

Daily Diary 56

I may walk around like I'm confident, sometimes shy, cute, happy go lucky girl...but really I'm wearing a well painted mask...one that rarely gets taken off even with all the abuse it's put through...and of course there are cracks,many many cracks. In those cracks you can see the girl who is really under there. Sure I can be nice and I'm actually a caring compassionate person, but people have made that portion of me become very small...so now under that mask is a sad, selfish, shattered girl who can't get away from her own vainity to realize what's in front of her. I'm a selfish girl who takes things for granted. I know things that other would be shocked from, I do things that would make others fall over in surprise. I'm not the innocent person everyone thinks I am. I hold to many secrets for that. I'm vain, I love when people complement me, I love to be noticed by others, and I love when I have men drooling over me. I'm inconsiderate, I'm greedy and have a slight power problem. I'm also depressed, stressed and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm confused...as it always seems to be that way these days...and I don't know where to go, who to turn to, what to do. I can't tell anyone the whole truth, because then they give me stupid advice, and look at me with such disappointment and shame, and pity that it's not worth it. And although I'm one for drama, as I do love to create it unfortunately, I don't think I can handle it anymore. My friends are slowly dwindling, my passion for life is draining and my family is slowly dissapering from my grasp. I don't know anything anymore my head is foggy and I feel entirely lost. 

Daily Diary 55

People think I'm this strong person who is exceptionally nice and let's people walk all over her. In reality I'm going insane, I feel like my world is crashing down on my shoulders and I'm losing everything. My friends, my family...myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

Daily Diary 54

Something makes me hate everything. Everything! I don't know what it is, and it only happens on certain days. And when it does it makes me feel like the whole world is against me...like I can trust no one...though when you put it that way it makes me sound invincible when really I could be dead in a second. Everything’s so fragile. Humans are so fragile, but we are strong too. We go through so many emotions....Anger, Jealousy, Bitterness, Tiredness, Hope, Lust, Love.

It's all the things you can't explain. It's all the things we feel in a day...in a life time...but that's what makes us human.

Daily Diary 53

Water runs down my face...slowly dripping off is rhythmic sequence. My reflection states back at me...my face solem...my mind silent...my eyes hold many emotions. They reflect loneliness, grievance, loss, anger, emptiness. 

Daily Diary 52

I cannot help but smile when I think of it, see it, feel it. It has been in my life for a very long time and it will stay in my life for forever. I am a total fangirl who believes in too much and keeps her head stuck up in the clouds...even when I was told to come down I can not afford to do that. It means to much to me...it is my life...it keeps me alive and sane. Believing in this allows me to hope, to have faith and to be who I am meant to be. Narnia is my home, it is where I belong...it is where I am meant to be.

Daily Diary 51

You don't  know what it's like to be an outsider, to be ashamed of how you were born, have to hide who you are....it's lonely...to be more powerful than any man you know, and have to live like a shadow...to be special and then have to pretend your a fool...I know how it feels... I understand...none of us can chose our destiny Merlin...and none of us can escape it...Destinies are troublesome things...you feel trapped...like your whole life is being planned out for you, and you have no control over anything and sometime you don't even know if what destiny decided is really the best thing at all...I don't need anyone...I can't afford that luxury...the love that binds us is more important than the power we wield.

Merlin (BBC) 
Golden Heart (youtube channel)